For years I have fought hard for my son. I have fought through the obstacles others created and the obstacles of the system itself. I fought to get help for him. And finally, after years of discouragement, exhaustion and seemingly unanswered prayers, God led us to where we are now. We have a TSS (Therapeutic Staff Support) who helps my son at school and helps our family in our home or while we’re out in the community. We’re in a really good place. We are starting to see progress. I thank God every day. I feel HOPE, which was something I struggled to see for more than five years.

But just this week we found out that the services my son receives will be ending in August, at the latest. The agency that provides his services is closing. Talk about devastating! Employees are losing their jobs. Families are losing their support. Kiddos are losing precious time as they struggle through this scary, confusing world and wait out the transitions to new services (which likely has a 6-month to year-long waiting list). 

I am battling fear and worry. We’ve been through a similar transition and it was very, very difficult. I worry about my son grieving the loss of another support staff as she too has become a dear friend (to him and to our family). I fear having no support. No one who’s got my back. No one to talk things through; to make sure I’m on the right track. I worry he will fail at school. I fear we’ll backtrack to the path we just traveled, and I never want to go back to that. The hopelessness. Just not knowing what to do or how to help him. And we’re nowhere near where we need to be.

I want to be mad at God—and maybe there’s a tiny piece of me that is as I process this devastating news—but I know He has a plan far greater than I could ever think or imagine. I thought this path was where He wanted us. It was perfect. We finally got the support he and our family needed. We were finally seeing progress in him. Life was constant and predictable, which is huge for him. I was so incredibly hopeful. But this path is not the one we’re meant to walk anymore.

But I know that God’s will is perfect—even if it’s not mine, and I must cling to the hope in that.

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Psalm 112:7
He is not afraid of bad news;
his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

Imagine you’re on this amazing train ride. You’re moving at a safe pace. Rolling hills and farmland. A slight breeze in your face. You feel at peace. The track is solid. The view is breathtaking. You think to yourself, I’m in a really good place right now. All the sudden you feel a bump and the train begins to climb. The train reaches a plateau and slows to a crawl and then stops. You look out the window. The view that was so spectacular is now filled with storm clouds. You look down to see you’re sitting on the ricketiest track ever. Your eyes widen with fear as you see a raging river below you. You look ahead as far as your eyes can see. There are sections ahead with absolutely no track! The support beams look like toothpicks. The ground is starting to erode from under the track. Rocks are blocking the way. You barely have time to mutter any questions before you feel the train jerk to a start and down a hill you coast. You feel the train quickly picking up speed. Fear overwhelms and all you can do is hold your breath and hang on tight. It’s fast. It’s crazy. It’s scary. You scream, “This is too much!” Suddenly, you screech to a halt as your body slams back into the seat. You’re relieved and horrified at the same time. You’re not even sure how you made it over the gaps in the track. The ground was giving away but the track didn’t crumble. The rocks were on the track but you made it past them. You’re baffled. How did you not spill out? How did you not get hurt? Almost scared, you look back. You can’t believe it! The view is beautiful. The sun is shining. You see no gaps in the track. You see solid beams. Rolling hillsides. Suddenly, it occurs to you that the builder knew the track was solid all along, even though it looked unstable to you. He knew you wouldn’t fall out, though you doubted. He knew it would lead safely to a new section of the track. You see, the builder had a plan all along, even though you were overwhelmed by what you didn’t see and didn’t know.

Unfortunately, I’m still sitting in the plateau, ready to start down the track. But because of the hope in my Lord, I take a deep breath and hang on for the ride. I know the track will still be beautiful, even though it doesn’t look it now. I can rest in the strength and wisdom of the One who built the track and goes before me. For He knows where it leads.

I must be grateful for the knowledge and experience God has given under the wings of my son’s amazing staff. When we first received support, I didn’t have the knowledge nor tools I do now. I pray that I have learned enough to carry on. I trust that we’ll be okay no matter our future, for I know that God has had His hand in it all along, and He’s not letting go.

Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.