Category: grief

This Arrogant Heart of Mine

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Two days ago marked 5 years since my dad’s death. I felt pressured to write a blog as I’ve done so many times in the past or paint an inspired work of art in memory of my dad. But no inspiration came that day…just a sad cloud looming over me. I mentioned the pressure to my husband whose reply was so on-point:

“You know [your dad] wouldn’t have wanted anything that points to him anyway. He would’ve rather had you do something that points to Christ.”

And so, there is no 5-year blog (at least not yet) and there is no 5-year painting. Instead, here’s a blog about this arrogant, sinful heart of mine.

Continue reading “This Arrogant Heart of Mine” →

The Secret to Marriage

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11 years. My husband and I will be married 11 years tomorrow. Nowadays that is quite an accomplishment. But seems even more so for us.

When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be married and have a family. A beautiful long flowy gown with a beautiful, dreamy atmosphere in a cathedral-like church. My dad walking me down the aisle. Flowers and fairy lights everywhere. Even though I knew fairytales were not real, I still hoped for mine. It’s called naivety. It never happens. I was not a realist; I still thought everything would be perfect once I was married and had children. What could be better than being with the one you love for the rest of your life? I found the man I loved, and now life would be exactly how I wanted.  

My dreams and expectations were about to be shattered.  

Continue reading “The Secret to Marriage” →

Burdened Beyond My Strength

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Sometimes you just need someone to ask the question, “When you look back on where you were a year or so ago—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, where are you now? How are you now compared to then?” This was my son’s therapist. (Yes, she’s amazing!)

The difficult season for me extended beyond twelve months, but when look back at only the past year, it held the deepest trials and the greatest wins. I had plummeted into the deepest, most desperate, hopeless place. Just so mentally and emotionally and spiritually deep in despair. Having physical difficulty to even carry on daily. I felt so intensely the verse that Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 1:8-10, “For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again.”

Where was I a year ago? If you’ve followed my blogs, you probably already know. Continue reading “Burdened Beyond My Strength” →

Four Years

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Tomorrow is the day. It marks four years since I lost one of the most precious people in my life. Days ago, I felt myself digging my heels into the ground, desperately trying to slow the approaching tomorrow. I’d rather not be in that day. Let’s just skip over it.

In the show Gilmore girls, there was an episode about Luke’s dark day. It was the day he mourned the loss of his father. Years ago, it didn’t mean much but I get it now. Sunny or not, there’s a shadow that falls on the day. All the other days of the year come and go, easy or difficult. 364 days you can usually choose to remember vividly or vaguely or completely push it out of mind but on the anniversary of the death you’re forced to face it. The difficult memories unwelcomingly push their way into your mind, flashing images like a projector screen. All you can do is face it.

I remember when I first lost my dad. My thoughts were so raw and painful and completely consumed by the grief. The world had stopped. Nothing Continue reading “Four Years” →

His Life Meant More (rewritten)

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I wrote the original poem (found here) shortly after my dad’s death in 2016. This morning I rewrote it:

“He’s in a better place,” you hear them say.
Even though it’s true, the pain doesn’t quite go away.
A daddy is the first man a girl sees–
The first man she wants to please.

She wants to ride on his back–
to give her the strength she may lack.
She wants to hold his hand
Because no other will compare in the land. Continue reading “His Life Meant More (rewritten)” →

Homeschool to Public School: How did we get here?

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I wrote the following two weeks before school started:
I hear many moms say they cannot wait until their kids go back to school, but my heart is filled with mixed emotions.

My oldest is as reluctant as he was last year because he is going back where he will not only have a new teacher but all new classmates and a whole new school. He had to sacrifice his school and friends to be with his brother, to give him the support he needed. But I am confident he’ll quickly thrive as he did with his first year of school.

And then there is my middle son…I knew this day would come. I dreaded it, actually. If sending my first baby off to kindergarten last year wasn’t hard enough, here comes an even more vulnerable piece of my heart stepping out into the world. When your child is more fragile than most, it’s even harder for your heart to let go. You hope someone else will handle him with the same delicate dedication as you would. It will no doubt be a difficult transition for both of us, but I also know that this is a very important step for him. I am hopeful that he has a great team in place and that they have a genuine desire to help him learn and grow! (However, that doesn’t stop my heart from its aching.)

I do realize my oldest son’s first year of kindergarten only matured him and didn’t drastically change him, so maybe my middle son will be okay as well. I hate to lose a part of him that holds me so dearly, as I too hold him so dearly. Although school is part of life and this independency will provide opportunity to grow and mature, its necessity doesn’t take away the conflict in my heart. The grief that I feel. Because school means the beginning of letting go of him, just as I did with my first.

Back story: I never thought this day would come. I never wanted someone else to have my kids all day. I never wanted them to spend that much time away, learning about the ways of the world that likely conflicts from my views. Perhaps it was a little selfish; perhaps I just didn’t want to let go of them.

I made up my mind; homeschooling would be the best option. No one else would teach my boys. No one else would influence my boys—or steal their precious hearts and minds from my momma-grasp! Continue reading “Homeschool to Public School: How did we get here?” →

Two Years

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I woke up early this morning as I normally do and walked into my nearly-finished, newly-remodeled kitchen to make coffee for the first time. As I waited for my coffee to brew, I smiled as I looked down at the beautiful granite-looking countertops and appreciated all the hard work and love my husband put into this kitchen.

I took my coffee cup and sat it down in front of my laptop. There in front of me read, April 20, 2018. To some, that date means nothing. To me, however, it marks the most difficult day of my life. The day I said goodbye to my dad.

This blog has not come easy. It was hard for me to write what I felt, as my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place. So much is going on in my life right now. So many struggles, stress and emotions. This blog is long (sorry!) and it’s transparent, but here goes: Continue reading “Two Years” →

God’s Not Dead

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A typical day in my house could certainly be described as challenging, but this week was incredibly rough. Seriously, someone must have snuck my boys crazy pills! Even their mealtimes included chucking food and shoving macaroni noodles up their nose. And snorting, because noodles can certainly be confused with teeny-tiny snorkels in each nostril!

Early this week, I had a doctor’s appointment. Because of the extra rough week, I was never so excited for an appointment. But instead of hearing what I expected, it bore concerns. It’s easy to allow humanness to cloud a perspective. It’s easy to jump into the future, with fear and apprehension, focusing on my past losses, and allow my future to grow grim.

To add to my burden, we are experiencing new financial pressures. And grief, once again, has placed its sorrowful cherry on the top of my gloomy little dessert. Continue reading “God’s Not Dead” →