Yesterday, at the doctor’s office, I was asked by a person, “…but he’s gotta be high-functioning?!”

By the way, this person uttered the question as they were presently witnessing my son be an anxiety-derived, socially-inappropriate mess in the room. Even that should have given enough evidence that there are no fewer difficulties with a high-functioning autistic kiddo than there are with a low-functioning.

Whether intentional or not, the above question implies that somehow our job as a parent of a high-functioning autistic child must be somehow easier. Frankly, the term is deceptive.

Hearing it produces defeat inside me. I’m happy to hear that autism in my child might not be obviously detected when seen in a brief encounter; however, it’s rarely about what is seen in public and rather what happens behind closed doors.

Today was the hardest school morning of my son’s and mine. It all began because one my other sons gave my autistic son his vitamin gummies instead of him picking out his own. That is known as rigidness due to anxiety. Objects were flying, physical and verbal aggression toward me and sadly restraint. I knew he had passed the point of control. He was hysterical. I was crying. There was something wrong, but he either couldn’t express it or didn’t even know. And there’s not a thing I could do about it.

So, simply asking if my son is high-functioning with the assumption that he’s fine, I’m fine, we’re all fine, feels as if it invalidates this morning’s intense and extremely emotionally exhausting event.

It negates all the years of care from numerous agencies inside and outside of the home, school support, continual advocation and buckets of tears. Behind closed doors is countless hours the staff spent in the privacy of your home, and even more, the intense, moment-by-moment, exhausting and emotionally-tolling work of the parents.

Yes, my son is high-functioning – so what? Does it mean he struggles less? Does that somehow make our journey less difficult?

I am certainly not writing this blog to call out anyone specific as I know there is a limited knowledge of Autism. And I would say most comments are well-meaning and originate from this lack of knowledge. But I want to encourage others to be sensitive toward the Autistic community and their families, as one should with any other situation in which they are unfamiliar or unaware, because you never know what’s happening behind closed doors.