Letting Go

Letting go of the life we always wanted. Letting go of the people we love. Letting go of expectations or desires. It’s one of the hardest things to go through.

My first child is going to kindergarten today.

This struggle is different than others. It’s not caused by anxiety of the unknown – as many struggles are, but rather the heartbreak of losing my child little-by-little. A part of my heart will be walking around at school.

Continue reading “Letting Go”

This Thing Called Life

I have been trying so hard to understand this thing called Life, but my focus should be on the One who created life. After all, how can I expect peace and joy (oh, how I long for peace and joy!) and spiritual growth without seeking Him first?

For so long I’ve been completely unsure what to think or what to do, mainly for myself and my son. My husband and I struggled (still do!) to handle our out-of-control son. This has been from the time he was a toddler. To us (and others I’m sure), it looks simply like disobedience. Years of this! I avoided (still do!) going places because I wasn’t sure how reactive he’d be and I wasn’t sure how to handle it if he was. Often, we would leave a place as soon as we arrived because I was either already in tears or nearly there. But as the years unfolded and new struggles immerged – ones apart from merely behavior, I began to realize there was way more to it. (Also, he has been receiving therapy for a speech delay for over two years.) When I reflected back, I realized he always struggled, even from the day he was born. Recently, I began to suspect ADHD and a few weeks ago he was finally diagnosed.

Meanwhile, I struggled with intense emotions. For years, really. I equated it to my back-to-back pregnancies (three boys in three years). The anger, the constant Continue reading “This Thing Called Life”

Confessions from the Fast Lane

The last few years, especially, have been some of the roughest years in my life. Many, many days spent extremely perplexed and distraught because I had no idea what to do or what was going on. A child who looks totally out-of-control in behavior and appearance. Restless, constantly in motion, disobedient, inappropriate, meltdowns sometimes all day long.

We were told our discipline needed to be firmer and more consistent. But why were our other two boys responding appropriately? We were told it’s middle-child syndrome (is there such a thing?), but he struggled since birth. I prayed and prayed for wisdom. Finally, through a seemingly endless maze of paths, people and phone calls (otherwise known as God’s guidance) we had an appointment with a psychologist. Continue reading “Confessions from the Fast Lane”

Is God Black and White?

We want life to be in black and white. If I do this, I get this result. When I have this problem, I can fix it with this. And if I do this it will work the same every time.

But there are complexities and uncertainties in life. There are situations when there is no easy or clear-cut answer. Most of life is gray, in fact.

Google dictionary defines gray area as “an ill-defined situation or field not readily conforming to a category or to an existing set of rules.” The gray defies the odds, confuses our concrete brains, smudges the lines of black and white, chases us from certainty into uncertainty and order into chaos.

If life is not always black and white, is God? Continue reading “Is God Black and White?”

On The Cover

The cover of my life displays three beautiful boys and a wonderful husband. But if you lift the thick, protective jacket, you will see intertwined in our storyline complexity, uncertainty and burdens.

We love to share with others our best moments, fun adventures, amazing trips and huge accomplishments, but behind the cover of life’s book – attractively decorated with bookmarks of success and ribbons of bliss – is the narrative called reality. Everyone has a unique one. The cover does not adequately display our life; it’s only our showcase. The cover is only what we want others to see.

Certainly, reality has countless moments of sweetness, joy and satisfaction, but it’s not full of fun adventures and stress-releasing vacations, as we like to portray. Often, it’s habitual, challenging, sorrowful or even ugly.

Because this is real life, folks.

I always wanted a family. Always. I could’ve gone to college or an art school, but I chose to work instead. I wanted nothing holding me back when the time came to start a family. And I wanted to devote myself fulltime to raising my children.

I was around children all my life so I was not naïve when I became a mother, however nothing could prepare me for my own. Continue reading “On The Cover”