Category: mommyhood

Behind Closed Doors

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Yesterday, at the doctor’s office, I was asked by a person, “…but he’s gotta be high-functioning?!”

By the way, this person uttered the question as they were presently witnessing my son be an anxiety-derived, socially-inappropriate mess in the room. Even that should have given enough evidence that there are no fewer difficulties with a high-functioning autistic kiddo than there are with a low-functioning.

Whether intentional or not, the above question implies that somehow our job as a parent of a high-functioning autistic child must be somehow easier. Frankly, the term is deceptive.

Continue reading “Behind Closed Doors” →

The Secret to Marriage

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11 years. My husband and I will be married 11 years tomorrow. Nowadays that is quite an accomplishment. But seems even more so for us.

When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be married and have a family. A beautiful long flowy gown with a beautiful, dreamy atmosphere in a cathedral-like church. My dad walking me down the aisle. Flowers and fairy lights everywhere. Even though I knew fairytales were not real, I still hoped for mine. It’s called naivety. It never happens. I was not a realist; I still thought everything would be perfect once I was married and had children. What could be better than being with the one you love for the rest of your life? I found the man I loved, and now life would be exactly how I wanted.  

My dreams and expectations were about to be shattered.  

Continue reading “The Secret to Marriage” →

Burdened Beyond My Strength

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Sometimes you just need someone to ask the question, “When you look back on where you were a year or so ago—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, where are you now? How are you now compared to then?” This was my son’s therapist. (Yes, she’s amazing!)

The difficult season for me extended beyond twelve months, but when look back at only the past year, it held the deepest trials and the greatest wins. I had plummeted into the deepest, most desperate, hopeless place. Just so mentally and emotionally and spiritually deep in despair. Having physical difficulty to even carry on daily. I felt so intensely the verse that Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 1:8-10, “For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again.”

Where was I a year ago? If you’ve followed my blogs, you probably already know. Continue reading “Burdened Beyond My Strength” →

What, No School?

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What I feel today is radically different than what I felt on March 13th when the announcement was made to close schools for two weeks. God has been working tremendously in my heart. So, any good in me is only through the work of the Spirit and the grace of God in my heart.

March 13th: I couldn’t believe it. Schools closed?! How is this possible? Immediately I panicked. I cannot do this. I cannot handle my son every single day all day and maintain my sanity—I did it before and it was the most difficult 5 years of my life. Summers scare me. How will I do it now when they are supposed to be in school? This routine change will mess him up. He’ll be a mess. I can’t do it. I need that break while he goes to school. I need to recover from the morning so that I can be ready and renewed and fresh-minded when he comes home from school in the afternoon. I need that break! I need him to stay in school! Please, God, no! Don’t do this! Continue reading “What, No School?” →

When Plans Change

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For years I have fought hard for my son. I have fought through the obstacles others created and the obstacles of the system itself. I fought to get help for him. And finally, after years of discouragement, exhaustion and seemingly unanswered prayers, God led us to where we are now. We have a TSS (Therapeutic Staff Support) who helps my son at school and helps our family in our home or while we’re out in the community. We’re in a really good place. We are starting to see progress. I thank God every day. I feel HOPE, which was something I struggled to see for more than five years.

But just this week we found out that the services my son receives will be ending in August, at the latest. The agency that provides his services is closing. Talk about devastating! Employees are losing their jobs. Families are losing their support. Kiddos are losing precious time as they struggle through this scary, confusing world and wait out the transitions to new services (which likely has a 6-month to year-long waiting list).  Continue reading “When Plans Change” →

Autism 101

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We finally received the diagnosis from CADD (Center for Autism and Developmental Disabilities) for my son. I wasn’t surprised. In my heart I already knew they would confirm the Autism. His first Autism diagnosis came from a generalized psychiatrist, but it was now confirmed by several specialists who’ve seen my son over the span of a few months.

It felt more real now. Amidst the array of emotions, I felt validated. Immediately I sat down in front of my laptop and allowed my heart to spill across the screen. Words just poured out of me. Immediately, I felt a blog forming in my head. Continue reading “Autism 101” →

His Life Meant More (rewritten)

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I wrote the original poem (found here) shortly after my dad’s death in 2016. This morning I rewrote it:

“He’s in a better place,” you hear them say.
Even though it’s true, the pain doesn’t quite go away.
A daddy is the first man a girl sees–
The first man she wants to please.

She wants to ride on his back–
to give her the strength she may lack.
She wants to hold his hand
Because no other will compare in the land. Continue reading “His Life Meant More (rewritten)” →

Behind My Originals

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God has a purpose far greater than my scribbling simple words onto a piece of paper. There is a purpose behind my original songs.

As the minutes of yesterday morning ticked by, the emotions escalated. Tick. Tock. Each moment of the morning fed the volcano until finally an eruption of bad choices and frustration burst forth, spewing impatience and raised voices throughout the house. Amidst the battle, I felt my internal temperature gauge cresting into the red zone. I began to sing His Grace (a song I wrote) aloud but my frustration level was too high. And my son was rejecting it more than normal. I was disappointed. I thought this was the song that provided the comfort I needed when I was dealing with my son’s struggles. (I write about the song here.) Continue reading “Behind My Originals” →

Homeschool to Public School: How did we get here?

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I wrote the following two weeks before school started:
I hear many moms say they cannot wait until their kids go back to school, but my heart is filled with mixed emotions.

My oldest is as reluctant as he was last year because he is going back where he will not only have a new teacher but all new classmates and a whole new school. He had to sacrifice his school and friends to be with his brother, to give him the support he needed. But I am confident he’ll quickly thrive as he did with his first year of school.

And then there is my middle son…I knew this day would come. I dreaded it, actually. If sending my first baby off to kindergarten last year wasn’t hard enough, here comes an even more vulnerable piece of my heart stepping out into the world. When your child is more fragile than most, it’s even harder for your heart to let go. You hope someone else will handle him with the same delicate dedication as you would. It will no doubt be a difficult transition for both of us, but I also know that this is a very important step for him. I am hopeful that he has a great team in place and that they have a genuine desire to help him learn and grow! (However, that doesn’t stop my heart from its aching.)

I do realize my oldest son’s first year of kindergarten only matured him and didn’t drastically change him, so maybe my middle son will be okay as well. I hate to lose a part of him that holds me so dearly, as I too hold him so dearly. Although school is part of life and this independency will provide opportunity to grow and mature, its necessity doesn’t take away the conflict in my heart. The grief that I feel. Because school means the beginning of letting go of him, just as I did with my first.

Back story: I never thought this day would come. I never wanted someone else to have my kids all day. I never wanted them to spend that much time away, learning about the ways of the world that likely conflicts from my views. Perhaps it was a little selfish; perhaps I just didn’t want to let go of them.

I made up my mind; homeschooling would be the best option. No one else would teach my boys. No one else would influence my boys—or steal their precious hearts and minds from my momma-grasp! Continue reading “Homeschool to Public School: How did we get here?” →

His Grace

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My autistic son has meltdowns, often. He also loves music. I wished I could find a song that he could sing to help him calm down when he was upset.

I thought of some of the familiar kids’ songs. Jesus Loves Me is the first one I thought of. He knows it well and likes it, but I was afraid he would learn to hate it if it was associated with him being upset.

I told someone a little while ago that I thought maybe I should write a song for him to sing. But nothing really came to my mind.

A few weeks ago, God started working in my heart. As I read 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 a song fell onto paper. It’s called His Grace. Continue reading “His Grace” →