I have been suffering. Some may know; others certainly don’t. It has been long and painful and lately taken me through the valley of the shadow of death. Everything I thought I knew and understood spiritually has been questioned. It has forced me to take everything I ever believed under close examination. It has forced this child to grow up a little as I balance my perspective with the truth in God’s word.  

The following is not a cry for pity but rather a quick and transparent look into the journey God has been taking me.

I’ve never really felt truly valued. In fact, I’ve been disregarded and hurt by the majority and, on a few occasions, severely and traumatically mistreated. Unfortunately, this has unknowingly formed – or rather transformed – my view of God. I’ve unfairly compared God to the imperfect people in my life.

Throw in physical suffering. It has been with me the greatest part of my life increasing in the past few years, until I am now faced with a decision to choose the rock or a very hard place. Neither option is sweet with relief (perhaps eventually the one will be) and neither is risk-free. Nothing says full surrender like your life.

God has stripped me to my very core in every area of my life. Pruning everything with deep slices close to the heart. I’ve struggled to trust that God is still good. I’ve doubted He is truly for me and that he hears my desperate cries as the heavens seem to fall silent. I’ve struggled to believe even in this there is a purpose as relief never comes.

I’ve cried tears full of anguish and sorrow desperate for some type of relief. Pleading with God in my heartache and physical pain, where are you? Do you even care?

But even through the strands of suffering God is working a beautiful tapestry. (And he’s not even done!) As my life has seemed to parallel Job’s, I believe God is starting to talk. But I am not met with confirmation of how valuable I am – despite thinking that’s what I need – but of how valuable God is. Of who he is. A reminder of his love – enough to sacrifice his only son to save me – greater than my comprehension of which I can never be separated, of his all-sufficient grace that follows me, of his mercy that is new every morning, of his sustaining comfort from one who has endured the greatest suffering.

Can I sit back and remain open for however God wants to direct my life? Can I keep patiently enduring? Can I trust him to work for my best and his glory? Can I surrender in whatever way that looks? He is God.

Part of God’s first reply to Job was:

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?”

I am God, Job. Sit down. And I feel him saying that to me.

“I am God, Taphath. I was there in the beginning – you were not. I laid the foundation of the earth – where were you? I formed you in your mother’s womb. I knew your days and numbered them before there was even one. Why can’t you trust that I know what is best for you? Your story has my fingerprints all over it and showcases my glory. I love you beyond what you can comprehend and even though you may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I am with you.”

The Bible Knowledge Commentary says, “Though people cannot understand God’s doings, they can trust Him. Worship should stem from an appreciation of God Himself, not a comprehension of all God’s ways. Though puzzled, people should still praise.

“God did not explain His ways to Job; He exhibited them, thus showing that the sovereign Creator and Sustainer of the universe does not owe puny man an explanation. Man is to report to Him, not vice versa. Yet, though God did not explain His design in man’s difficulties, His purpose in pain, He did reveal Himself.”

God asked Job to sit down, and Job responded in humility and repentance. Am I doing the same?