Four Years

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Tomorrow is the day. It marks four years since I lost one of the most precious people in my life. Days ago, I felt myself digging my heels into the ground, desperately trying to slow the approaching tomorrow. I’d rather not be in that day. Let’s just skip over it.

In the show Gilmore girls, there was an episode about Luke’s dark day. It was the day he mourned the loss of his father. Years ago, it didn’t mean much but I get it now. Sunny or not, there’s a shadow that falls on the day. All the other days of the year come and go, easy or difficult. 364 days you can usually choose to remember vividly or vaguely or completely push it out of mind but on the anniversary of the death you’re forced to face it. The difficult memories unwelcomingly push their way into your mind, flashing images like a projector screen. All you can do is face it.

I remember when I first lost my dad. My thoughts were so raw and painful and completely consumed by the grief. The world had stopped. Nothing Continue reading “Four Years” →

What, No School?

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What I feel today is radically different than what I felt on March 13th when the announcement was made to close schools for two weeks. God has been working tremendously in my heart. So, any good in me is only through the work of the Spirit and the grace of God in my heart.

March 13th: I couldn’t believe it. Schools closed?! How is this possible? Immediately I panicked. I cannot do this. I cannot handle my son every single day all day and maintain my sanity—I did it before and it was the most difficult 5 years of my life. Summers scare me. How will I do it now when they are supposed to be in school? This routine change will mess him up. He’ll be a mess. I can’t do it. I need that break while he goes to school. I need to recover from the morning so that I can be ready and renewed and fresh-minded when he comes home from school in the afternoon. I need that break! I need him to stay in school! Please, God, no! Don’t do this! Continue reading “What, No School?” →

Why Be Thankful?

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Very few have trouble naming things they are thankful for. We quickly hear, my family, my friends, a home, a job… But who are they thanking? Do they even know? Maybe. Maybe not.

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 118:1

As believers, we are called to be thankful in everything. This does not mean we simply list all the things we couldn’t be without, but instead giving God the glory for the countless things He’s given to us; and giving God the glory amidst the trials and struggles.

Perhaps you’re thinking, Continue reading “Why Be Thankful?” →

The Door That Swings

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Many of us live behind a closed door. Either we don’t want to implicate ourselves with struggle or we have received rejection from an unwilling recipient, so we keep our door tightly closed. We come and go ever so quickly and silently through our closed door, hoping no one caught a glimpse of anything inside, knowing we’d be ruined if our neatly tucked baggage should be exposed. And hoping in desperation for nothing to fall out. If it’s implication we’re concerned about we carefully structure our lives around our prideful lack of transparency and perfect persona, ensuring that outwardly we’re doing everything right and godly. We carry on with life with fake smiles and brave faces, yet inside we’re in a weeping, burdened train wreck. Our fakeness fools most. Continue reading “The Door That Swings” →

My Way; His Steps

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I always find it fascinating when I ask my boys what they want to be when they grow up.

“I want to be Flash when I get bigger,” my youngest says confidently.

“An engineer,” my oldest says. He’s been holding tight to this dream for two years already.

Proverbs 16:9
The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.

I think of desires, dreams and goals. It could be as big as dreams or maybe it’s smaller in scale. Man plans his actions and choices. Every second of every day man is given choices and opportunities. He is faced with an open road so to speak. He can choose to hit the snooze or not. To eat breakfast or not. To have a donut or eggs. To open God’s Word or not. But God sovereignly directs his feet so that everything works together for good according to His purpose and for His glory.

A toddler sees a cookie crumb under the table. Continue reading “My Way; His Steps” →

Flying Down the Track

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I wrote the blog, When Plans Change, a few days ago. (You can read it here.) I wrote about sitting on the plateau of the track feeling the bump of change since hearing about the news of the closing of the company, from whom my autistic son receives services, on Monday. For days I wondered when the train would bolt down the track.

Well, yesterday it happened. Continue reading “Flying Down the Track” →

When Plans Change

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For years I have fought hard for my son. I have fought through the obstacles others created and the obstacles of the system itself. I fought to get help for him. And finally, after years of discouragement, exhaustion and seemingly unanswered prayers, God led us to where we are now. We have a TSS (Therapeutic Staff Support) who helps my son at school and helps our family in our home or while we’re out in the community. We’re in a really good place. We are starting to see progress. I thank God every day. I feel HOPE, which was something I struggled to see for more than five years.

But just this week we found out that the services my son receives will be ending in August, at the latest. The agency that provides his services is closing. Talk about devastating! Employees are losing their jobs. Families are losing their support. Kiddos are losing precious time as they struggle through this scary, confusing world and wait out the transitions to new services (which likely has a 6-month to year-long waiting list).  Continue reading “When Plans Change” →

Three Years

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My mind is on heaven these days. Of what it must be like to be with the One who has created and orchestrated all things, who sent His Son to die and rise again so that we may live on in His very presence. To the beauty my loved ones are beholding. To be spared of the effects of sin—to only see pureness and goodness. To not feel pain or worries, sorrow or hardship. To only know full joy and peace. It makes me yearn so intensely for heaven.

After three years, it becomes easier to block out the tragic memory of death. But in the last few weeks, as the anniversary approached, I felt myself go into guarded-mode. Just not sure if I wanted to allow myself to relive. Many times, I’ve stepped inside the door, started to tiptoe to his bedside, only to once again, slam the book on the memory. Nope. Too afraid to feel the hurt. But today my mind waits at the door, my eyes peek into the heart-wrenching memory of three years ago and I walk in. Continue reading “Three Years” →