The Last Day of the Year

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On the last day of the year, most people reflect on the past twelve months.  We sift through things that went wrong and vow to change them.  We recollect events we’d rather have never experienced.  Or perhaps the memories are ones to cherish.

This past year was a rough year, a sad year.

On January 2, 2016, (I don’t remember exactly the context or reason, besides God had ordained it) I decided to spend the weekend at my parents’ house.  My dad really wanted to show my mom and me this area on Jack’s Mountain that was full of rhododendrons; so much so that it looked as if a jungle had been picked up and placed on a Pennsylvania mountainside.  Here on this hiking trail, marked some of the last and most cherished memories I have of my dad.  He made sure mom reminded me to bring my camera along so I could take pictures.  Little did I know they would be the last good pictures of him. (One of which we used on his obituary two-and-a-half months later.) Continue reading “The Last Day of the Year” →

First Christmas

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I survived my first Christmas.

My family is always up early so Christmas was no different.  Growing up, my dad always read the Christmas story from Luke before opening gifts and I always wanted to carry on that tradition with my family.

This Christmas my eyes swelled with tears as I read about Jesus’ birth.  It had much more meaning this year.  Not only was it something my dad always felt was most important, but this Christmas – his first ever – he didn’t read about it.  He was there.  His eyes could behold the glory of the Lord.  He was in the very presence of the Savior of the world.  Worshiping at His very feet.  Rejoicing in songs of adoration and praise.  Oh, what a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see.  When I look upon His face – the One who saved me by His grace!

We attended our church’s morning service. What a blessing – to be in God’s house, praising Him with other believers on Christmas Day!

The day had moments of joy and laughter. And surprisingly there was a bit of sameness. But it was not without tears and sadness.  The day before, the day of, the day after.

A few of us were standing at my dad’s gravesite on Christmas Day.  My mom was earnestly sharing her heart when all the sudden she groaned in pain as a charlie horse threatened her leg.  My brother never missed a beat and immediately cracked a joke.  We burst out laughing of course.

To some this may seem odd or even inappropriate, but for our family this was perfect.  This was us. And this characterized my dad honestly. He had a dry sense of humor.  He loved to laugh and he loved to make others laugh as well.  He would want us to laugh, even at his gravesite.

The day was hard, but it was good, filled with caring people and amazing love.  There was joy and peace felt amidst the sorrow; it could only be by the grace of God.  Thank you to all who were praying (and have been praying) for our family!

Grief has a way of making you hold onto and appreciate your dear ones a bit more. It makes us realize that our futures aren’t as sure as we once thought.  God holds the future and only He knows who just had their last Christmas.  (Sobering reminder!) Continue reading “First Christmas” →

Taking The Fun Out Of Christmas

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Christmastime for most of us brings lots of excitement and anticipation of some very traditional and specific festivities. Christmas parties, Christmas songs, cookies and candies, buying and receiving gifts, ugly sweaters, Christmas lights, chopping down a Christmas tree, spending time with family and friends, watching your favorite Christmas movies.  Most of us can add plenty to this list.

But imagine all of it is stripped away.  If you take all the Christmas festivities away, what is left?  For most, there is nothing. No gifts?  No Christmas tree? What is the point of the holiday? Continue reading “Taking The Fun Out Of Christmas” →

What Is Most Important?

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I am a Christian, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a member of my church and of the body of Christ.

Each of these roles comes with specific duties, expectations, responsibilities. Each varying slightly or hugely from the other.

As a wife, I have certain responsibilities: the upkeep of the house; respecting, encouraging and supporting my husband; submitting to his authority; praying faithfully for him. As a mom, I–with my husband–am responsible to teach everything to my children; to use every opportunity to share the Gospel; to let them see who Jesus is through me (yikes!); to encourage and love them as Christ loves me; to pray for them. As a member of the body of Christ, I am to serve obediently and willingly in whatever way God calls me. As a friend, sister and daughter, I am to uplift and encourage them; to be a godly influence; to pray for them. As a Christian, I am to stand apart from the world; to be a light in the darkness; to proclaim the Gospel to the world; to pray for our Nation and its leaders. As an individual: my health, my walk with God, my wants and needs, my talents, my time, my social contacts, my monies, they all must align with the Word of God.

My list is limited, as I did not list everything, and yours may look very different than mine, but you see how overwhelming it can be. We feel so much pressure to not fail in a specific area, or in many.

So what is most important? Continue reading “What Is Most Important?” →

Looking Past The Election

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Many are pleased with Trump as our future president. Others are dissatisfied and some are even angry (as demonstrated by the riots and social media outbursts).

I am not writing this to place guilt or shame on whether you voted for or against him.  But he has been elected and that means we have to move on. I urge you to look beyond it.  Look beyond our next president. Let’s glance past this mark in history and consider our future, our eternity.

Because our eternity is of the utmost importance. Continue reading “Looking Past The Election” →

Half-A-Year Rambles

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Today marks six months since my dad died.  He died.  It sounds so final.  Most people use passed away because it sounds so much kinder for the one who’s hurting. But I really only use it when I want to be kind to myself – when I want to push off the harsh reality that my dad is actually gone – or when I mention his death to somebody but don’t want to draw their pity. Passed away seems less final. And passed is a better word; after all, my dad has passed on into eternity.

So do I have a big revelation or reflection at this six month mark? Not as I would have hoped.

Just more of the same.  Sadness, tears, memories, anger, regrets (maybe – at least wishing I would’ve said or done things differently), realizations, missing him, and yes, still moments of shock. Sometimes the tears start because of him, other times they continue on because of him.

Continue reading “Half-A-Year Rambles” →

In A Perfect World

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The highly anticipated–and, if I’m honest, somewhat dreaded–homeschooling school year has begun. In the three weeks since we’ve begun I have successfully (and by successfully, I mean: it has met my potentially unrealistic, high standards) completed about two days of school.

They were the first two days. Continue reading “In A Perfect World” →

Burdened Beyond Belief

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If ever there was a passage in Scripture that has described a season in my life so perfectly, it is…

For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death.  But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.  He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us.  On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again.  2 Corinthians 1:8-10

The deepest of waters, that’s where I am swimming, or rather drowning. These waters are engulfing and suffocating. As Paul writes, “[I am] despaired of life itself,” I too feel there is no hope of rescue.  I cry out to God honestly and ungratefully, “Why have you thrown me into the deepest of waters?”

I have taken some extended vacations in the terribly dreadful island known as Depression.  I have run away from my Father, looking for a replacement. I have resided for many months in some pretty ugly, self-absorbing Resorts.  But this season does not compare.

I cannot figure out which is harder: losing my dad or muddling through raising three closely-aged boys, one of whom has a Sensory Processing Disorder (causing numerous out-of-control meltdowns each day, among other things), which I have yet to fully understand, let alone to figure out a way to help him. I have concluded neither my grief nor motherhood is easier, but together they are all-consuming.  They call me to the bottom of the ocean, beckoning me to give up and stop fighting, to drown in the deep waters.

I cannot rely on myself. Though I stubbornly try so hard, I just cannot do it.  I lack the wisdom, the strength, the grace. And on top of that, my dad was ripped away from me.  (Yes, that is how I feel some days.) I am weak and selfish. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I have nothing left to give.

“Awesome!” God rejoices. Continue reading “Burdened Beyond Belief” →