The Undefined Answer

The end of this past week was amazing, but full of emotions, worry and uncertainty.

Four days ago marked the first anniversary since my dad’s death. We spent the day with my mom and my sister and three nephews, who were visiting from out of the country. There was sad reminiscing of the events a year ago, but it was also filled with smiles and laughter and wonderful memories. God’s grace held us and grace carried us throughout the day.

Thank you for the outpouring of prayers and encouragement! It was certainly a clear demonstration of God’s love and grace.

I often look back wondering if my dad was aware he was nearing the end; if somehow he knew he’d soon be at heaven’s gate, soon to see Jesus face-to-face. A friend shared the words to this hymn:

But just think of stepping on shore and finding it heaven;
Of touching a hand and finding it God’s;
Of breathing new air and finding it celestial;
Of waking up in glory and finding it home! (Finally Home)

Can you imagine?! As your eyes open to glory, your mouth struggling to find words to describe the astounding beauty they behold and the only response you can muster is a silent awe. And then you glance up into the radiant, majestic face of your beloved Master as He says, “Welcome home, child.” Of course, I’m totally using human expressions, but it gives great comfort to know believers do have an incredibly amazing future ahead of us and to our loved ones who share our faith!

Three days ago, I had a hysteroscopy and biopsy of my uterus.  Or so I was scheduled. The doctor never did a biopsy, after concluding “everything looked normal.”

As good as it sounds, it’s still a bit unsettling. To me, it gives no conclusive findings. We tend to be concrete thinkers. We need proof, evidence, a confident answer. What if there are cancerous cells growing within the “normal”? The absence of a biopsy leaves a terrible cliffhanger. I was handed a gray answer, but my mind longs for black or white. Even though I am no longer waiting for the news of cancer being ruled out, I still feel like I am waiting. My human mind is trying so hard to understand that which makes no sense or is, at the very least, left undefined. Possibly my skepticism and fear is borne from the tragedy of my dad’s death. He was completely healthy; who would’ve ever thought he’d receive the diagnosis of leukemia and die three weeks later.

Is this unsettledness because of the weeks I spent preparing myself for the worst outcome and now I am processing the unexpected news? Whether the doctor can neither exclude nor confirm the presence of cancer, can I look past it to allow myself to believe God simply erased the presence of abnormality?  Can I let go of my skepticism to accept that just maybe this is all okay? Am I too dense and ungrateful to realize this is God’s grace in a really big way? Or is my angst because there is still a legitimate concern and it’s urging me to continue being attentive to the area of concern?

So where do I go from here?

Trust. Be thankful. Live on.

Trust that even in the undefined answer I know only and exactly what God wants me to know. He already knew the news would seem open-ended, but unless something else arises I must trust the concern is no longer there. At this point, I must believe He did heal me. I am confident I am living the life God intended; that this is all part of His plan and purpose for my life.

Be thankful. I can be thankful the news wasn’t cause for more apprehension or suspicion. Thankfulness is not exclusive to good news. It should extend to all circumstances and outcomes, good or bad or unknown.

Live on. Outcomes should not dictate your course in life. When you’re running hard after God it doesn’t matter if the what or who changes, your life should always follow the same course. Your life is not the constant, God is. Live for God, live in view of eternity, live for others.

Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as you ever can.
(John Wesley)

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