Two days ago marked 5 years since my dad’s death. I felt pressured to write a blog as I’ve done so many times in the past or paint an inspired work of art in memory of my dad. But no inspiration came that day…just a sad cloud looming over me. I mentioned the pressure to my husband whose reply was so on-point:

“You know [your dad] wouldn’t have wanted anything that points to him anyway. He would’ve rather had you do something that points to Christ.”

And so, there is no 5-year blog (at least not yet) and there is no 5-year painting. Instead, here’s a blog about this arrogant, sinful heart of mine.

I picked up legalism like it is a dusty old book, naturally and easily blowing off the dust of grace from its thick cover, or so I thought. Legalism is striving to earn my position in Christ and place in heaven. But these words came to mind as I tossed the thoughts around in my head: performance, perfection, failure, forgiveness.

I am more concerned that my performance, or perfectionism, secures my identity in society rather than securing my place in heaven. It seems my battle is more than simply earning my spiritual and eternal keep. That is not legalism. Who is this perfect performance for? An obedience to God or an image before men? Do we feel we must be seen as holy so others will see God? I’m not even sure our selfishness usually allows us to think so advanced. No, we just want to look good. My performance is not about showcasing Christ but showing off me.

Yes, there is definitely more to it than growing up with a strong bent toward legalism. The perfectionism within me causes a front to be built before others and a complete unacceptance to failing. Pride is at the root. Was legalism a faster vehicle for my already-prone pride? Not sure, but I am confident my pride did not need any help!

I silently hope my boys perfectly recite that Bible verse—yes, the one they learned that same morning before coming to church—so I appear faithful in teaching my boys. I silently hope my boys don’t run or misbehave in church, so I look like a better, more consistent parent. I could go on, but we don’t have time to run through all my selfish performances.

Plain and simple: Pride doesn’t accept failure. Pride doesn’t accept grace.

Why? Because both want to be self-directing, self-serving, self-satisfying, self-fulfilling.

I am just a person who occasionally is kinda like Christ but is really just full of sin, phoniness and pride. A person who needs Christ in every moment of every day because…

Romans 3:10 As it is written: None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks after God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.

Isaiah 64:6 But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.

“Even our repentance needs to be repented of and our very worship needs to be forgiven.” Maxwell Nicholson, 1874

Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Instead of concerning ourselves with how the world perceives us and judges our failures we should value what God thinks. The disciples’ sin was evident and recorded yet Jesus’ attitude toward them was patient and understanding of their sinful condition. You see He wasn’t after their performance but their heart.

Even my best is without sin. So, I can continue to attempt to knock out perfect performances for others to see—falling short and grieving the Holy Spirit—or I can imperfectly abide in Him—satisfied in His grace, love, joy and peace.

After all, godly actions—performance, if you will—follow a surrendered heart.