Category: faith

What Is Most Important?

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I am a Christian, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a member of my church and of the body of Christ.

Each of these roles comes with specific duties, expectations, responsibilities. Each varying slightly or hugely from the other.

As a wife, I have certain responsibilities: the upkeep of the house; respecting, encouraging and supporting my husband; submitting to his authority; praying faithfully for him. As a mom, I–with my husband–am responsible to teach everything to my children; to use every opportunity to share the Gospel; to let them see who Jesus is through me (yikes!); to encourage and love them as Christ loves me; to pray for them. As a member of the body of Christ, I am to serve obediently and willingly in whatever way God calls me. As a friend, sister and daughter, I am to uplift and encourage them; to be a godly influence; to pray for them. As a Christian, I am to stand apart from the world; to be a light in the darkness; to proclaim the Gospel to the world; to pray for our Nation and its leaders. As an individual: my health, my walk with God, my wants and needs, my talents, my time, my social contacts, my monies, they all must align with the Word of God.

My list is limited, as I did not list everything, and yours may look very different than mine, but you see how overwhelming it can be. We feel so much pressure to not fail in a specific area, or in many.

So what is most important? Continue reading “What Is Most Important?” →

Looking Past The Election

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Many are pleased with Trump as our future president. Others are dissatisfied and some are even angry (as demonstrated by the riots and social media outbursts).

I am not writing this to place guilt or shame on whether you voted for or against him.  But he has been elected and that means we have to move on. I urge you to look beyond it.  Look beyond our next president. Let’s glance past this mark in history and consider our future, our eternity.

Because our eternity is of the utmost importance. Continue reading “Looking Past The Election” →

In A Perfect World

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The highly anticipated–and, if I’m honest, somewhat dreaded–homeschooling school year has begun. In the three weeks since we’ve begun I have successfully (and by successfully, I mean: it has met my potentially unrealistic, high standards) completed about two days of school.

They were the first two days. Continue reading “In A Perfect World” →

Burdened Beyond Belief

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If ever there was a passage in Scripture that has described a season in my life so perfectly, it is…

For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death.  But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.  He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us.  On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again.  2 Corinthians 1:8-10

The deepest of waters, that’s where I am swimming, or rather drowning. These waters are engulfing and suffocating. As Paul writes, “[I am] despaired of life itself,” I too feel there is no hope of rescue.  I cry out to God honestly and ungratefully, “Why have you thrown me into the deepest of waters?”

I have taken some extended vacations in the terribly dreadful island known as Depression.  I have run away from my Father, looking for a replacement. I have resided for many months in some pretty ugly, self-absorbing Resorts.  But this season does not compare.

I cannot figure out which is harder: losing my dad or muddling through raising three closely-aged boys, one of whom has a Sensory Processing Disorder (causing numerous out-of-control meltdowns each day, among other things), which I have yet to fully understand, let alone to figure out a way to help him. I have concluded neither my grief nor motherhood is easier, but together they are all-consuming.  They call me to the bottom of the ocean, beckoning me to give up and stop fighting, to drown in the deep waters.

I cannot rely on myself. Though I stubbornly try so hard, I just cannot do it.  I lack the wisdom, the strength, the grace. And on top of that, my dad was ripped away from me.  (Yes, that is how I feel some days.) I am weak and selfish. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I have nothing left to give.

“Awesome!” God rejoices. Continue reading “Burdened Beyond Belief” →

Upside Down

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Mondays always seem to be a tough day in our home.  Unfortunately yesterday felt like my whole world had been turned completely upside down.  Not necessarily over one big incident, yet everything seemed to be falling apart. A chicken with its head cut off – have you ever heard someone use that expression? It is crazy to watch!  The chicken keeps running around frantically, even after it has lost its head.  Its world – its life really – has just abruptly crashed down with one quick hack to the neck. Well, that picture seemed to describe my day yesterday. Not the losing its neck part, but the running around frantically, and perhaps the crashing down part.

Parenting is no joke!  But there’s nothing like a marriage, grief, or spiritual struggle, to make it even more difficult. The inner turmoil, hurt, feeling alone, confusion, worry; it left my head spinning. I was unsure of which way to turn or what to do – like a chicken with its head cut off.  Had God even heard my desperate and constant prayers?

The high-pitched screaming coming from my three-and-a-half-year-old was more than I could handle.  It pierced through my very soul and broke down any virtuousness left in me. As if his constant shrieking wasn’t enough, I was exhausted from having to play referee one more time to three little ones. And a weekend of little to no naps leaves a toddler a bit sulky. I’m not always quite sure the best way to handle these situations and I began to question my actions as a mother, and as a wife. My eyes were clouded with tears.  My voice was quivering.  It’s all too much.  Everything was just too much.  I was a disastrous mess inside.

As one child screamed upstairs in his room I collapsed on the floor into a ball of emotions.  God, where are You? Can’t you see I’m drowning here? I cannot do this on my own; I need You!  Please send someone or something to encourage me. Let me know You’re still here with me. Continue reading “Upside Down” →

I Choose God.

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Meltdowns, scream fests, arguing, fighting, frustration, anger, crying. Unfortunately, not all of these describe the behaviors of my three little boys. I have to take responsibility for some of them. It’s even quite possible that I experienced each one of these this week.

If there was ever a time in my life when I felt I must have fulfilled my earthly duty, it was yesterday. Heaven looked even more appealing to me than before. I had reached rock bottom. I had become more of a hindrance to those in my family than a help. I was a complete failure. There was nothing more I could offer and nothing positive in my life.

I would love to say, “…and then I woke up.” Unfortunately, it was not a dream. I was in the pit of selfishness and ungratefulness. How in the world did I get here? Continue reading “I Choose God.” →

The Truth Of Grief

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This was the hardest thing I have ever written.  Not only is it difficult to describe how one feels, but most of all to be so open and transparent with your deepest thoughts and feelings; to bear your very soul and expose it to the picking and prodding of judgmental eyes; to invite another into the most intimate and vulnerable place of your being. But, just maybe, sharing my story will help someone else in their journey of healing.

For those who do not know, two months ago today (April 20th) I lost my dad to a short-lived and very aggressive terminal illness.  Cancer.  I almost can’t say the word.  He only lived thirty days – all spent in the hospital – from the day he went into the emergency room until the day of his death.  He was diagnosed only three weeks before he died, with AML or Acute Myeloid Leukemia.  The night before he died we learned he had acquired the most aggressive and least treatable type of AML. Continue reading “The Truth Of Grief” →

The Crashing Waves

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“My storms were reeling me for a minute.  As crazy as it felt and as out of control as it felt, all my feelings kept slamming into something solid in me that wouldn’t move.  And that’s my roots and my faith and what I knew.”

“And there’s a time when fear has to face the God you know.”

“There’s a difference between what you feel and Who you know.  In those moments I had to really pull away from what I was feeling and remember Who I knew.”

The above are quotes from Mark Hall, the lead singer of Casting Crowns, during an interview with Wally on WAY-FM. He was speaking on his recent diagnosis of kidney cancer.

As I listened to this interview an image came to my mind. Continue reading “The Crashing Waves” →

Monday, Monday.

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I don’t normally do daily play-by-plays, but this one was just not typical.

Enter Monday morning.  Elias had therapy at 8:30am so I decided to be spontaneous and take advantage of the opportunity that all three boys were dressed and ready to go somewhere early in the morning.

Where should we go?

I wanted something the boys would enjoy and also that would be free.  Yeah, maybe that’s asking too much.

I decided to drive an hour to Gettysburg to the Boyd’s Bear Factory – that closed eight years ago. Yes, it might have helped a great deal if supertastic Google would have made me aware of it prior to my two-hour-round-trip drive!

GPS told me I had arrived at my destination, but as I looked around at the trees and fields, I was guessing it got the memo of the Factory’s closing before Google did!  And if that wasn’t enough to make me question it, the rope across the entrance confirmed.

Since there were no bears to behold we decided to stop to get a quick bite to eat and, of course, use the restroom.  The boys’ choice? Burger King.  We pulled in, I unbuckled each child, pulled the stroller out of the back, strapped the little one in and started walking in.  A kind – no, not really kind – lady yelled, “Excuse me, but the lobby is not open!”  There was not a sign. Nothing.  So I took the little one back out, undid the stroller, threw it in the back, buckled each child (actually I forgot to buckle Elias! Oops!) in their seats and decided to go across the street to Wendy’s.  The same super-easy routine of unbuckling each child, pulling the stroller out…blah, blah… We walked up and stood behind a man already ordering.  The attendant tells him, “We have no fries.”  I burst out laughing.  You have got to be kidding me!  We walked out.  I buckled each child in (don’t worry they were all safely buckled this time!), shoved the stroller in the back of the van and drove away.

A few miles down the road I saw another Wendy’s.  We stopped, and did eat this time.  Besides being out of “our” drink, and small chit chat about my three young, close-together boys, that stop seemed to be uneventful.

Next stop…Walmart.  Elias was behaving badly, so after one warning to correct his behavior, we left.  Without a purchase.  Without even a browse.

I’m steaming in my head. God’s convicting.  You all know that mental process. You’ve been there. Continue reading “Monday, Monday.” →

The Most Transparent I Can Be

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I write this with a heavy heart. I am stripping down all the walls I so carefully built up around me. The ones that make it seem as if I have the right perspective. The walls that seem so neatly and humbly built. This is the most transparent I can be – that I have ever been. This is extremely hard to write. I am greatly troubled by this struggle! My struggle is one simple word, yet tremendously destructive, called pride. Right now, the sermon series at our church is on the seven deadly sins, pride being the first. I was not made aware of my pride because of the series. But, it called out my name. It stepped on my toes. It’s brought me here, to this point, to write this blog – to face the truth of my struggle. To share it, not boastfully, but that another may be able to relate and be encouraged by it. Besides, there is freedom in admitting the truth. There is a vulnerability in being so open, as if searing into the deepness and secret of the heart, yet it can bring healing and accountability too.

My youngest son, just eight months old, is facing physical challenges. There is something abnormal about his movements. Because there is something amiss, I worry about his future. I worry about what he could encounter as he develops into adulthood. Could this be a developmental hiccup? Absolutely – it’s possible! Could this be the beginning of a life-long challenging road? Yes. I want to be very clear: It is not my desire or joy to see my son face potential life-long challenges and trials! So, the following has nothing to do with that. Continue reading “The Most Transparent I Can Be” →