Category: mommyhood

On The Cover

Published on by t foose2 Comments

The cover of my life displays three beautiful boys and a wonderful husband. But if you lift the thick, protective jacket, you will see intertwined in our storyline complexity, uncertainty and burdens.

We love to share with others our best moments, fun adventures, amazing trips and huge accomplishments, but behind the cover of life’s book – attractively decorated with bookmarks of success and ribbons of bliss – is the narrative called reality. Everyone has a unique one. The cover does not adequately display our life; it’s only our showcase. The cover is only what we want others to see.

Certainly, reality has countless moments of sweetness, joy and satisfaction, but it’s not full of fun adventures and stress-releasing vacations, as we like to portray. Often, it’s habitual, challenging, sorrowful or even ugly.

Because this is real life, folks.

I always wanted a family. Always. I could’ve gone to college or an art school, but I chose to work instead. I wanted nothing holding me back when the time came to start a family. And I wanted to devote myself fulltime to raising my children.

I was around children all my life so I was not naïve when I became a mother, however nothing could prepare me for my own. Continue reading “On The Cover” →

Think Before You Judge

Published on by t fooseLeave a comment

Going anywhere with three boys aged between two and five years old is rarely simple or quick. In fact, some days if I’m not in the frame of mind to handle the challenge we simply stay home.

This morning, with no advanced warning, I ask the boys to get their shoes on. They eagerly obliged, which is normally their reaction. I had some errands to run, so not feeling up to the task was not an option.

At Walmart – as I routinely stroll with two carts through the store, pushing one and pulling the other behind – several people made comments. One remarked, “You won’t see men doing that!” Though I’m sure there have been plenty of fathers who have trudged through a store with an engine-caboose-cart-train hauling three boys. Another sought me out to comment that he just “had no words.” “I have so much respect for you.” Another woman commented, as I turned the corner with ease, “You are super-mom.” And she quickly added, “They are so well-behaved.” “Why do you think they are in the cart?” I replied with a sly smile.

It would seem easy to take these comments conceitedly, but I know the truth lurking behind our facade as we seem to perfectly and smoothly stroll through Walmart. No, they were taken as encouragement for this struggling mom. Most days I struggle. I struggle in the home; I struggle taking the boys out. This is not a plea for pity and it’s not because there aren’t any good moments or that I regret having them so closely aged (though God had more to do with that than us). But it is a continual struggle to keep a good attitude and patiently guide them, whether we’re in the boundaries of our home or out amongst the public eye.

I just pulled all three boys out of the carts right inside the exit and ask them to wait as I put the carts back. I turned around to grab the two hands which were beside me as my two-year-old took off out the door, running across the pedestrian walk. I yelled “Stop!” A horn honked. I immediately was upset. He did not have to slam his brakes; he had plenty of time to stop. I called out, “Why are you honking? You are supposed to stop for people crossing.” Continue reading “Think Before You Judge” →

Boys and Winter

Published on by t fooseLeave a comment

“I love winter – I love snow!” She said unknowingly before she was a mom of three energetic little boys.

But if I am forced to look at non-snow-covered dead trees and grass from the inside of my house, then I’d rather just have spring.  Ahem, let me rephrase that…  But if I’m forced to watch my boys as they repeatedly jump across my furniture like they’re lily pads on a pond, then I’d rather have spring. Ha!

It’s completely true what they say: Boys need the outdoors!

I can easily place a this-was-a-rough-week checkmark in the box next to this past week.  Being cooped up all winter, is hard on little boys – and hard on their momma!  There’s only so much you can do within the four walls of your home.  They unconsciously begged to be entertained all week but nothing I did with them could satisfy.  Every toy was dull, even the ones saved for a rainy day. Playing Uno and Candyland for the hundredth time was one too many times. Netflix was down for the week. We attempted the library for Family Storytime, but we were back in our van before a story was even read.

The peak was Thursday (the 19th). I pictured what my house might look like from above: boisterous boys bouncing off the furniture into the clouds above the house…in slow motion, because that’s how all the commercials look; constant wrestling, biting and punching matches – because obviously our house is one big fighting ring. Basically, they looked like a trio of wild monkeys on an overdose of caffeine! Ha!

I watched as they crumbled with each passing moment, yelling at them for being so mischievous. I prayed and cried out to God.  Overwhelmed and frustrated is an understatement; it can feel very isolating some days.  “God, please, where’s Your grace?” Continue reading “Boys and Winter” →

What Is Most Important?

Published on by t fooseLeave a comment

I am a Christian, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a member of my church and of the body of Christ.

Each of these roles comes with specific duties, expectations, responsibilities. Each varying slightly or hugely from the other.

As a wife, I have certain responsibilities: the upkeep of the house; respecting, encouraging and supporting my husband; submitting to his authority; praying faithfully for him. As a mom, I–with my husband–am responsible to teach everything to my children; to use every opportunity to share the Gospel; to let them see who Jesus is through me (yikes!); to encourage and love them as Christ loves me; to pray for them. As a member of the body of Christ, I am to serve obediently and willingly in whatever way God calls me. As a friend, sister and daughter, I am to uplift and encourage them; to be a godly influence; to pray for them. As a Christian, I am to stand apart from the world; to be a light in the darkness; to proclaim the Gospel to the world; to pray for our Nation and its leaders. As an individual: my health, my walk with God, my wants and needs, my talents, my time, my social contacts, my monies, they all must align with the Word of God.

My list is limited, as I did not list everything, and yours may look very different than mine, but you see how overwhelming it can be. We feel so much pressure to not fail in a specific area, or in many.

So what is most important? Continue reading “What Is Most Important?” →

In A Perfect World

Published on by t fooseLeave a comment

The highly anticipated–and, if I’m honest, somewhat dreaded–homeschooling school year has begun. In the three weeks since we’ve begun I have successfully (and by successfully, I mean: it has met my potentially unrealistic, high standards) completed about two days of school.

They were the first two days. Continue reading “In A Perfect World” →

Burdened Beyond Belief

Published on by t foose2 Comments

If ever there was a passage in Scripture that has described a season in my life so perfectly, it is…

For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death.  But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.  He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us.  On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again.  2 Corinthians 1:8-10

The deepest of waters, that’s where I am swimming, or rather drowning. These waters are engulfing and suffocating. As Paul writes, “[I am] despaired of life itself,” I too feel there is no hope of rescue.  I cry out to God honestly and ungratefully, “Why have you thrown me into the deepest of waters?”

I have taken some extended vacations in the terribly dreadful island known as Depression.  I have run away from my Father, looking for a replacement. I have resided for many months in some pretty ugly, self-absorbing Resorts.  But this season does not compare.

I cannot figure out which is harder: losing my dad or muddling through raising three closely-aged boys, one of whom has a Sensory Processing Disorder (causing numerous out-of-control meltdowns each day, among other things), which I have yet to fully understand, let alone to figure out a way to help him. I have concluded neither my grief nor motherhood is easier, but together they are all-consuming.  They call me to the bottom of the ocean, beckoning me to give up and stop fighting, to drown in the deep waters.

I cannot rely on myself. Though I stubbornly try so hard, I just cannot do it.  I lack the wisdom, the strength, the grace. And on top of that, my dad was ripped away from me.  (Yes, that is how I feel some days.) I am weak and selfish. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I have nothing left to give.

“Awesome!” God rejoices. Continue reading “Burdened Beyond Belief” →

Upside Down

Published on by t foose1 Comment

 

Mondays always seem to be a tough day in our home.  Unfortunately yesterday felt like my whole world had been turned completely upside down.  Not necessarily over one big incident, yet everything seemed to be falling apart. A chicken with its head cut off – have you ever heard someone use that expression? It is crazy to watch!  The chicken keeps running around frantically, even after it has lost its head.  Its world – its life really – has just abruptly crashed down with one quick hack to the neck. Well, that picture seemed to describe my day yesterday. Not the losing its neck part, but the running around frantically, and perhaps the crashing down part.

Parenting is no joke!  But there’s nothing like a marriage, grief, or spiritual struggle, to make it even more difficult. The inner turmoil, hurt, feeling alone, confusion, worry; it left my head spinning. I was unsure of which way to turn or what to do – like a chicken with its head cut off.  Had God even heard my desperate and constant prayers?

The high-pitched screaming coming from my three-and-a-half-year-old was more than I could handle.  It pierced through my very soul and broke down any virtuousness left in me. As if his constant shrieking wasn’t enough, I was exhausted from having to play referee one more time to three little ones. And a weekend of little to no naps leaves a toddler a bit sulky. I’m not always quite sure the best way to handle these situations and I began to question my actions as a mother, and as a wife. My eyes were clouded with tears.  My voice was quivering.  It’s all too much.  Everything was just too much.  I was a disastrous mess inside.

As one child screamed upstairs in his room I collapsed on the floor into a ball of emotions.  God, where are You? Can’t you see I’m drowning here? I cannot do this on my own; I need You!  Please send someone or something to encourage me. Let me know You’re still here with me. Continue reading “Upside Down” →

Monday, Monday.

Published on by t fooseLeave a comment

 

I don’t normally do daily play-by-plays, but this one was just not typical.

Enter Monday morning.  Elias had therapy at 8:30am so I decided to be spontaneous and take advantage of the opportunity that all three boys were dressed and ready to go somewhere early in the morning.

Where should we go?

I wanted something the boys would enjoy and also that would be free.  Yeah, maybe that’s asking too much.

I decided to drive an hour to Gettysburg to the Boyd’s Bear Factory – that closed eight years ago. Yes, it might have helped a great deal if supertastic Google would have made me aware of it prior to my two-hour-round-trip drive!

GPS told me I had arrived at my destination, but as I looked around at the trees and fields, I was guessing it got the memo of the Factory’s closing before Google did!  And if that wasn’t enough to make me question it, the rope across the entrance confirmed.

Since there were no bears to behold we decided to stop to get a quick bite to eat and, of course, use the restroom.  The boys’ choice? Burger King.  We pulled in, I unbuckled each child, pulled the stroller out of the back, strapped the little one in and started walking in.  A kind – no, not really kind – lady yelled, “Excuse me, but the lobby is not open!”  There was not a sign. Nothing.  So I took the little one back out, undid the stroller, threw it in the back, buckled each child (actually I forgot to buckle Elias! Oops!) in their seats and decided to go across the street to Wendy’s.  The same super-easy routine of unbuckling each child, pulling the stroller out…blah, blah… We walked up and stood behind a man already ordering.  The attendant tells him, “We have no fries.”  I burst out laughing.  You have got to be kidding me!  We walked out.  I buckled each child in (don’t worry they were all safely buckled this time!), shoved the stroller in the back of the van and drove away.

A few miles down the road I saw another Wendy’s.  We stopped, and did eat this time.  Besides being out of “our” drink, and small chit chat about my three young, close-together boys, that stop seemed to be uneventful.

Next stop…Walmart.  Elias was behaving badly, so after one warning to correct his behavior, we left.  Without a purchase.  Without even a browse.

I’m steaming in my head. God’s convicting.  You all know that mental process. You’ve been there. Continue reading “Monday, Monday.” →

Lighten up!

Published on by t fooseLeave a comment

Lighten up. I have heard others tell me this in the past, normally in a condemning way – referring to an attitude check. For the sake of this blog though I am going to use it in the non-condemning way; to lighten up and enjoy life.

I am very particular and choosy with certain activities my boys do. If it might potentially ruin or destroy anything I am very reluctant. In fact, I might not even allow it. You may find this shocking or ridiculous, but I honestly struggle with it. I don’t like messes and I especially don’t like things being broken or destroyed. You just told me to lighten up, didn’t you? *smile*

Well, I ruined some things this past week! And it was me, not even the boys.

I was dying my hair and didn’t realize until later that night that I had dropped some dye on our semi-new bathroom rug. If you have ever dyed your hair then you know hair dye is permanent! There is no soak-it-and-hope-it-comes-out. Now there is a permanent dark purple stain on my pale gray rug!

Later the same day, I was making a gift for a friend. After I glued the item I laid it on the dining room table. A half hour later I picked it up. I thought the glue had dried before I laid it down – well, it didn’t – so when I lifted it up it peeled a layer of wood stain off our new, and perfect table!

And it is almost a daily occurrence now that the boys bring me a bent or broken toy or a ripped book. Some claim it’s a “boy thing.” I agree to a certain point, but I still believe it’s necessary to teach them to respect their toys, or belongings. It is a daily reminder for my boys.

I strive to keep my belongings clean and neat, and new if they started out that way. I was raised this way – to take special care of my belongings. It will last longer is my rationality. It is extremely tough for me not to be disappointed in my failure to maintain this rationality; and when my boys fail to meet my expectations as well.

Here comes the lighten up part. Continue reading “Lighten up!” →

“They are so well-behaved.”

Published on by t fooseLeave a comment

We recently purchased a minivan from a family member. Let me start by saying…WOW! I did not know what I was missing. I told this family member, “feels like I’m driving a house around!” This was in no way a critical comment. Once you get three carseats in the back seat of a car and a stroller (and maybe some groceries) in the trunk, there isn’t much room available. In the van, I had fun choosing where to put my purchases and bags. Yes, I know, it’s the small things! *smile*

It is no small task taking three small boys, ages three and under, anywhere by myself, not without some incident or struggle. No big mishaps happened, thank the LORD! Their disobedience was the biggest struggle.

I decided to treat the boys to Wendy’s for lunch. They love Wendy’s. I think they could eat chicken nuggets every day, especially my oldest. Even though I now drive a house around <insert giggle> I decided to take them inside to eat, instead of ordering at the drive thru window. Frustration at their misbehaving was almost causing me to use the phrase: I’ve had it up to here! They were warned a few times that we would leave. In fact the attendant ask me if I wanted a to-go bag. Ha! I ushered them over to a table while they prepared our food. My two-and-a-half year old made a bee line for the drink machine. He hit some button at the bottom (of course I didn’t figure this out until later), because I stood there for a few minutes trying to figure out why it wasn’t working. Already frustrated by the morning of misbehaving, I was griping to the machine. It must’ve been quite amusing to the onlooker.

Successfully filling the drink, I made my way over to the table of little monkeys. Yup, monkeys. They looked as if they were born in the woods. All they needed was a tree limb and some bananas, because they were already climbing all over the chairs. Out of control. That was exactly how I felt they were, and I was.

In the last week my oldest who’s three has been volunteering to pray before all our meals. So brave and so sweet. He asked to pray before eating in this public restaurant. His sweet, gentle voice broke the quiet conversations around us, “Thank you Jesus for the food. Amen.” It’s a simple prayer, but I am so proud of him.

Throwing food at my boys always calms them down. They are too busy shoving food in their mouths to think about misbehaving, not that it’s impossible. A sweet older woman kindly interjects into our world. She comments on their blue eyes and blonde hair. “Heartbreakers” she called them. Then she added those encouraging words that any mother wants to hear and needs to hear – because we think we’ve failed miserably – “they are so well-behaved.” Did she see them?  My kids? Ha! I still do not totally agree, but it gave me a small bit of confidence for my motherhood.