The Unknown Journey

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After a third ultrasound of my uterus, I am now scheduled for a biopsy. Of course, you know what that means; they are checking to see if it’s cancerous.

This journey feels awfully familiar, as exactly a year ago we walked an unknown journey with my dad as he struggled through leukemia. In the end, he was completely healed, though we are not witnesses to it here on earth. Walking a similar journey a year ago, makes this present one even more difficult, as it feels like I’m reliving it in more than one way. Continue reading “The Unknown Journey” →

The Sun Still Rises and Sets

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15541999_10155565856188989_5118209550989203878_nAs I was driving home one evening, I watched a beautiful, peaceful sunset.

Day after day the clouds may cover the sunrises and sunsets making their appearance impossible. But they still exist. As we look up into the sky – only seeing thick gray clouds – we falsely describe what we see as the sun is simply not shining that day. But if you board a plane and watch as its nose begins to break through the lowest layer of clouds, what do you see? The sun. The sun continues to shine whether our eyes behold it or not. Through clouds, through rain and snow, through strong winds – even in the darkness – the sun still shines. Continue reading “The Sun Still Rises and Sets” →

A Gentle Hand

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When troubles threaten me, where do I run? Who is my comfort? What is my security? What calms me? Where do I go to seek answers?

In most situations, I run to everyone and everything else. I told my son recently: “If you have a problem you come and tell me. Don’t take it into your own hands.” How very true for us as God’s children.  How often do we tell someone else first – and especially take it into our own hands – rather than laying it down at Jesus’ feet and trusting Him?

More times than not, I search and search for answers to my questions.  I flood everyone with my inquiries and Google’s search field begins to buckle under too much pressure. Finally – after exhausting every other resource – I reluctantly present it to the Lord; not in dependency as it should be, but out of desperation. To my surprise what I get isn’t necessarily the answers I seek, but something else. Continue reading “A Gentle Hand” →

I Surrender All

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Can you imagine the last hymn you sing in church is I Surrender All?

All to Jesus I surrender; Humbly at His feet I bow.
Worldly pleasures all forsaken; Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus I surrender; Lord, I give myself to Thee.
Fill me with Thy love and power; Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Thee, my blessed Savior – I surrender all.

Can you imagine this being put to the test in the next – and last – thirty days of your life? Continue reading “I Surrender All” →

The Waiting Period

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Waiting is a huge part of our lives. We spend days, weeks, and sometimes years waiting. Whether the wait is for a marriage partner, healing, a job, a house, a baby, a test result or an answer, waiting is tough. Waiting itself can be a struggle.

Lamentations 3:25-26
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Have you ever noticed it seems to take forever when you stand by the stove to wait for a pot to boil?  All your time and focus is put into watching for the slightest hint of a bubble. Time seems to slip into slow motion. But if you walk away, all the sudden you hear the water roaring and whirling. What happened?  Your focus shifted.  No longer were the seconds sluggishly ticking. You focused on something else and when you looked back you realized how quickly and easily it seemed to boil. Continue reading “The Waiting Period” →

Birthday Letter

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Today would have been my dad’s 66th birthday. Instead, it’s his first birthday in heaven, even though we are the only ones who see it that way as birthdays are earthly celebrations.

Last year I didn’t talk to my dad. First ever. Not because I didn’t think of him – I did throughout the whole day – and not because I didn’t want to call him. He worked all day and I had a rather eventful day.  Before I knew it, the day was over. (I did call him the next morning at least.)  But his last birthday I didn’t even wish him a happy day, or tell him how much I loved and appreciated him. It does bother me.

Standing on this side of the fence, let me encourage you: Don’t choose not to call someone. Don’t put off the phone call or the time spent with your loved one. You never know when it’s your last phone call, their last birthday, last holiday or simply your last day with them.

If I could talk to my dad today, what would I say? The first things that come to mind seem so generic and almost redundant. “Dad, I love you more than you’ll ever know. I miss you so much.” And I quickly add in a whisper, “Please come back!”

But what I’d like to ask is: Continue reading “Birthday Letter” →

Looking Ahead

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On April 20, 2017, I will be able to check off a completed first year of grief.

If there was a scoreboard, I would have totally lost this fight. Grief won substantially.

I cannot believe it will be a year!  It does not seem possible.  The month he was in the hospital seemed to drag as we hung on each day’s development.

With the first year soon to tuck under my belt, society tells me this clearly signifies the end of a period. Because – as with all things – it dictates a time constraint.  As I seamlessly slip into the beginning of the second year without my dad, I should be beyond the heartache and beyond the sadness. Although those moments certainly do exist, I am nowhere near being past all the pain. Acquaintances can quickly transition into the acceptance and peace stage of one’s death, but those of us who were closely touched by a life cannot so easily dismiss the loss. Their forever absence leaves an empty hole that can never again be filled.

I appreciate my memories so much more as I’m beginning to realize how vulnerable they are. Right now, I still remember everything about him because they are still fresh, but in time I fear they will start to fade into a distant foggy recollection where they will remain. Harder and harder they will be to pull into my conscious mind. The memories are waiting only for time to send them away until they are but a dream. The sound of his voice, the one-of-a-kind bear hugs, his always-biblical and didn’t-beat-around-the-bush advice, his laugh, the love only a daddy can give, and if I’m honest, even the ones from the hospital and his last days.  I cling to them all, joyful or unpleasant.

Time has allowed reality to declare I’m no longer able to talk to or see my dad.  It used to be an instinctive thought to share with him my experience or joy or problem. But I no longer expect to see him at my mom’s house or anticipate his voice on the other end of the phone.  I no longer think about calling him to talk at four in the morning as I did in years past.

The first year certainly has established a new normal; one I’m not sure I want to embrace. But I must continue on.

Even now, I don’t always allow myself to think too deeply.  He comes to mind and I just push it away.  The confirmation of this was at the doctors’ office last week.  Continue reading “Looking Ahead” →

Boys and Winter

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“I love winter – I love snow!” She said unknowingly before she was a mom of three energetic little boys.

But if I am forced to look at non-snow-covered dead trees and grass from the inside of my house, then I’d rather just have spring.  Ahem, let me rephrase that…  But if I’m forced to watch my boys as they repeatedly jump across my furniture like they’re lily pads on a pond, then I’d rather have spring. Ha!

It’s completely true what they say: Boys need the outdoors!

I can easily place a this-was-a-rough-week checkmark in the box next to this past week.  Being cooped up all winter, is hard on little boys – and hard on their momma!  There’s only so much you can do within the four walls of your home.  They unconsciously begged to be entertained all week but nothing I did with them could satisfy.  Every toy was dull, even the ones saved for a rainy day. Playing Uno and Candyland for the hundredth time was one too many times. Netflix was down for the week. We attempted the library for Family Storytime, but we were back in our van before a story was even read.

The peak was Thursday (the 19th). I pictured what my house might look like from above: boisterous boys bouncing off the furniture into the clouds above the house…in slow motion, because that’s how all the commercials look; constant wrestling, biting and punching matches – because obviously our house is one big fighting ring. Basically, they looked like a trio of wild monkeys on an overdose of caffeine! Ha!

I watched as they crumbled with each passing moment, yelling at them for being so mischievous. I prayed and cried out to God.  Overwhelmed and frustrated is an understatement; it can feel very isolating some days.  “God, please, where’s Your grace?” Continue reading “Boys and Winter” →

It’s All In What You See

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In the early morning hours of Sunday, January 8, 2017, a church in Juniata County, Pennsylvania (the area where I grew up) caught fire.  When I scrolled through the pictures I choked up. The enormity of the situation is shocking, as the damage is horrendous. Though it was not the church I attended regularly, I knew many who did.  It was also the church that held my dad’s funeral services. This is especially sad for me as it threatens to shake loose the memories of seeing my dad for the last time and saying goodbye as we closed his casket.

But, for those who attended this church, it is far more tragic. Continue reading “It’s All In What You See” →

Good grief!

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I promised myself I would not write another blog about grief without first writing about something else, because I don’t want to tire my readers with my sorrow.  But here I am.  Grief is a continual struggle.  It is what occupies even the deepest corner of my heart.  And so, I write some more.

I write for me. I write for those who cannot write.  I write for those who are so burdened and swallowed by their grief as they struggle to sort their emotions. And I write because I feel God leading me to.

No matter if you know me or not, I pray my blogs may be uplifting and encouraging.

Grief is a lonely road. Not everyone has lost someone dear to them, but of the ones who have, few offer much support.  Friends are to stand by you, through your darkest hours, through the most sorrowful and grief-stricken moments of your life.  Yet few do. They tend to run like the wind when they realize their friend’s cry is turning monotonous. And oh no, the tears! Nothing like tears to send people into a tizzy; people squirm in their seats, excuse themselves or evade you by frantically searching for a box of tissues.  But a friend, or simply someone who cares, should offer their time: willingly offer their shoulder for tears, their ears for listening and their mouth for encouragement.  Because soon enough, the tables will turn and they will be forced to walk the same lonely road as you. Continue reading “Good grief!” →