11 years. My husband and I will be married 11 years tomorrow. Nowadays that is quite an accomplishment. But seems even more so for us.

When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be married and have a family. A beautiful long flowy gown with a beautiful, dreamy atmosphere in a cathedral-like church. My dad walking me down the aisle. Flowers and fairy lights everywhere. Even though I knew fairytales were not real, I still hoped for mine. It’s called naivety. It never happens. I was not a realist; I still thought everything would be perfect once I was married and had children. What could be better than being with the one you love for the rest of your life? I found the man I loved, and now life would be exactly how I wanted.  

My dreams and expectations were about to be shattered.  

My first clue that fairytales were not real was when we said our vows in our living room during a snowstorm. We had a snowy trudge to a nearby pizza shop for a celebratory meal. No flowy gown, no aisle, no fairy lights, no honeymoon.

But still . . . there was the fairytale mushy emotions as I was with the man I loved.

Less than two years into our marriage, our first son was born, then a second, and a third. One on top of the other—to this day they are still sometimes one on top of the other. Ha!

What I thought would be the perfect life turned into a seemingly impossible life. How can something I wanted so badly be so difficult? Anyone with children knows life gets way more complicated with them—it is extremely exhausting and overwhelming. Then add in a few more things.

A child with day-long meltdowns and years without a diagnosis, three energetic boys three years apart, a maternal father who died quickly, a husband who worked constantly, money struggles, a marriage that was falling apart, a wife with unanswered health issues who was toting around a damaging past she was oblivious to.  

 My whole life crashed. I was convinced our marriage would not survive.

For years all I could do was just cry out to God. Grief, anger, bitterness, pride, sadness and disappointment blinded me. Not even sure for what I was praying or even how to pray. Hurting those around me. Knowing in my heart God knew my struggles yet trying to convince myself of His purpose in them. I wanted relief so badly but barely clinging to a thread of hope.

But God had been working all along. He had been working in my heart, in my husband’s heart. He had been providing for us, continually blessing us, guiding our steps, moving mountains to get answers for our son, and for me. He opened my eyes to see and let go of my past. He sent the right people into our lives to give support, counsel, friendship and guidance.

Now, I know you are waiting for the secret to marriage and I know you wonder how I can know after only a few short years of marriage.

Well, it is simple, really.

The secret to marriage—actually, all of life—is unseen yet loyal.

It carries and loves.

It is the ground on which we stand and the hope in which we cling.

This secret does not make dreams come true, expectations happen, the sailing smooth or an always-delightful journey—sorry!, but it does guarantee an opportunity for strengthening faith, building maturity, bearing fruit, blessing others and glorifying God.

The secret does not lie within my husband or me. Nor does it lie within you or your spouse. It’s not something you can achieve whether you have been married for 1 year or 70.

The secret is . . . in God we trust. Not in our hearts. Not in our dreams. Not in our own strength. Focus on your vertical relationship with God—that is the secret.

Thus says the LORD: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick. Who can understand it? I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds (Isaiah 17:5-10).”

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you (Matthew 6:33).

Our dreams, motives and hearts cannot be trusted. Nor can our horizontal relationships and circumstances.

We cannot control our horizontal. It waxes and wanes. We can plan our dreams, but we cannot make them come true, though society tells you differently. Sin saturates and smothers every area of our lives. It overwhelms and destroys. Grief devastates and bitterness ruins. Expectations disappoint. Life is not a fairytale. Neither is marriage.

Marriage is not for cowards or quitters. If you follow your dreams or your heart, it will most certainly lead you astray, at the very least it will be extremely disappointing. Marriage takes dedication, sacrifice, love even, and especially, when you don’t feel like it. And we stink at it. The only way it’s possible is if you trust the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Maybe your marriage—your life—looks differently than mine, maybe it is riddled with a different set of challenges and circumstances, maybe your marriage is on the rocks or life is crashing around you . . . trust this: God is gracious and faithful. You cannot fix or sustain your marriage or your circumstances in your own strength, but you can be still, and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10). He is powerful and unchanging and working good for His glory in your horizontal.

Though life changes, He does not. Though people fail us, He does not. He does not stop working though you may not see it, nor does He stop loving though you may not feel it.

Cling to the Sustainer who gives hope. Rejoice always, remain prayerful and thankful in it.