Yesterday the boys and I were on our way to a store and one of the songs from my dad’s services began playing. Sweet Hour of Prayer. I used to love that song. Now it brings bitter sweetness. Continue reading “The Truth of Grief (Part 2)”
Category: experiences
Letting Go
Letting go of the life we always wanted. Letting go of the people we love. Letting go of expectations or desires. It’s one of the hardest things to go through.
My first child is going to kindergarten today.
This struggle is different than others. It’s not caused by anxiety of the unknown – as many struggles are, but rather the heartbreak of losing my child little-by-little. A part of my heart will be walking around at school.
This Thing Called Life
I have been trying so hard to understand this thing called Life, but my focus should be on the One who created life. After all, how can I expect peace and joy (oh, how I long for peace and joy!) and spiritual growth without seeking Him first?
For so long I’ve been completely unsure what to think or what to do, mainly for myself and my son. My husband and I struggled (still do!) to handle our out-of-control son. This has been from the time he was a toddler. To us (and others I’m sure), it looks simply like disobedience. Years of this! I avoided (still do!) going places because I wasn’t sure how reactive he’d be and I wasn’t sure how to handle it if he was. Often, we would leave a place as soon as we arrived because I was either already in tears or nearly there. But as the years unfolded and new struggles immerged – ones apart from merely behavior, I began to realize there was way more to it. (Also, he has been receiving therapy for a speech delay for over two years.) When I reflected back, I realized he always struggled, even from the day he was born. Recently, I began to suspect ADHD and a few weeks ago he was finally diagnosed.
Meanwhile, I struggled with intense emotions. For years, really. I equated it to my back-to-back pregnancies (three boys in three years). The anger, the constant Continue reading “This Thing Called Life”
Confessions from the Fast Lane
The last few years, especially, have been some of the roughest years in my life. Many, many days spent extremely perplexed and distraught because I had no idea what to do or what was going on. A child who looks totally out-of-control in behavior and appearance. Restless, constantly in motion, disobedient, inappropriate, meltdowns sometimes all day long.
We were told our discipline needed to be firmer and more consistent. But why were our other two boys responding appropriately? We were told it’s middle-child syndrome (is there such a thing?), but he struggled since birth. I prayed and prayed for wisdom. Finally, through a seemingly endless maze of paths, people and phone calls (otherwise known as God’s guidance) we had an appointment with a psychologist. Continue reading “Confessions from the Fast Lane”
Is God Black and White?
We want life to be in black and white. If I do this, I get this result. When I have this problem, I can fix it with this. And if I do this it will work the same every time.
But there are complexities and uncertainties in life. There are situations when there is no easy or clear-cut answer. Most of life is gray, in fact.
Google dictionary defines gray area as “an ill-defined situation or field not readily conforming to a category or to an existing set of rules.” The gray defies the odds, confuses our concrete brains, smudges the lines of black and white, chases us from certainty into uncertainty and order into chaos.
If life is not always black and white, is God? Continue reading “Is God Black and White?”
Eye of the Storm
As my boys and I were playing outside on Monday afternoon an Extreme Alert sounded on my phone. A tornado warning was announced. The darkening skies were confirming an approaching storm. We gathered the bikes and toys, securing a few things along the way, and made our way to the house. Continue reading “Eye of the Storm”
On The Cover
The cover of my life displays three beautiful boys and a wonderful husband. But if you lift the thick, protective jacket, you will see intertwined in our storyline complexity, uncertainty and burdens.
We love to share with others our best moments, fun adventures, amazing trips and huge accomplishments, but behind the cover of life’s book – attractively decorated with bookmarks of success and ribbons of bliss – is the narrative called reality. Everyone has a unique one. The cover does not adequately display our life; it’s only our showcase. The cover is only what we want others to see.
Certainly, reality has countless moments of sweetness, joy and satisfaction, but it’s not full of fun adventures and stress-releasing vacations, as we like to portray. Often, it’s habitual, challenging, sorrowful or even ugly.
Because this is real life, folks.
I always wanted a family. Always. I could’ve gone to college or an art school, but I chose to work instead. I wanted nothing holding me back when the time came to start a family. And I wanted to devote myself fulltime to raising my children.
I was around children all my life so I was not naïve when I became a mother, however nothing could prepare me for my own. Continue reading “On The Cover”
Because Of – So That
Many years ago I sat in my lonely apartment in the lowest point in my life. It was the furthest I ever ran from God, I was heavily medicated for chronic pain, I barely had two pennies to rub together and I was living a life in sin. I had lost all hope. The only person I could see was me and the only problems that existed were mine.
How did I get here? What did I do wrong? I pleaded with God. You must just hate me. You just want to punish me. Continue reading “Because Of – So That”
Think Before You Judge
Going anywhere with three boys aged between two and five years old is rarely simple or quick. In fact, some days if I’m not in the frame of mind to handle the challenge we simply stay home.
This morning, with no advanced warning, I ask the boys to get their shoes on. They eagerly obliged, which is normally their reaction. I had some errands to run, so not feeling up to the task was not an option.
At Walmart – as I routinely stroll with two carts through the store, pushing one and pulling the other behind – several people made comments. One remarked, “You won’t see men doing that!” Though I’m sure there have been plenty of fathers who have trudged through a store with an engine-caboose-cart-train hauling three boys. Another sought me out to comment that he just “had no words.” “I have so much respect for you.” Another woman commented, as I turned the corner with ease, “You are super-mom.” And she quickly added, “They are so well-behaved.” “Why do you think they are in the cart?” I replied with a sly smile.
It would seem easy to take these comments conceitedly, but I know the truth lurking behind our facade as we seem to perfectly and smoothly stroll through Walmart. No, they were taken as encouragement for this struggling mom. Most days I struggle. I struggle in the home; I struggle taking the boys out. This is not a plea for pity and it’s not because there aren’t any good moments or that I regret having them so closely aged (though God had more to do with that than us). But it is a continual struggle to keep a good attitude and patiently guide them, whether we’re in the boundaries of our home or out amongst the public eye.
I just pulled all three boys out of the carts right inside the exit and ask them to wait as I put the carts back. I turned around to grab the two hands which were beside me as my two-year-old took off out the door, running across the pedestrian walk. I yelled “Stop!” A horn honked. I immediately was upset. He did not have to slam his brakes; he had plenty of time to stop. I called out, “Why are you honking? You are supposed to stop for people crossing.” Continue reading “Think Before You Judge”
The Undefined Answer
The end of this past week was amazing, but full of emotions, worry and uncertainty.
Four days ago marked the first anniversary since my dad’s death. We spent the day with my mom and my sister and three nephews, who were visiting from out of the country. There was sad reminiscing of the events a year ago, but it was also filled with smiles and laughter and wonderful memories. God’s grace held us and grace carried us throughout the day.
Thank you for the outpouring of prayers and encouragement! It was certainly a clear demonstration of God’s love and grace.
I often look back wondering if my dad was aware he was nearing the end; if somehow he knew he’d soon be at heaven’s gate, soon to see Jesus face-to-face. A friend shared the words to this hymn:
But just think of stepping on shore and finding it heaven;
Of touching a hand and finding it God’s;
Of breathing new air and finding it celestial;
Of waking up in glory and finding it home! (Finally Home)
Can you imagine?! As your eyes open to glory, your mouth struggling to find words to describe the astounding beauty they behold and the only response you can muster is a silent awe. And then you glance up into the radiant, majestic face of your beloved Master as He says, “Welcome home, child.” Of course, I’m totally using human expressions, but it gives great comfort to know believers do have an incredibly amazing future ahead of us and to our loved ones who share our faith!
Three days ago, I had a hysteroscopy and biopsy of my uterus. Or so I was scheduled. Continue reading “The Undefined Answer”
Foose Bits 