Three Months

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Three months ago – it was also a Wednesday – God took my dad home to be with Him. I cannot believe it’s been three months, yet it feels oddly longer.

A watched pot never boils.

For thirty days we sat day after day in the hospital or by the phone, hanging on every word, watching my dad.  Waiting for anything – answers, a miracle, death, something. We had hope, we had false hope, we had dashed hope, and then we had death.  It felt like an eternity – just watching and waiting; unsure and unsettled about his future.  Since his death, the days have just passed by.  Time is the same – time never changes, but our view of it does.  We’ve stopped waiting.  Now that he’s gone we know he’s gone, and he’s not coming back.  There’s no more uncertainty, no more waiting.  We’ve been forced to stop hanging onto hope.  We’ve been forced to move on. To keep on living.

If you’ve ever watched a pot boil – just like the idiom – it feels like it never happens.  Yet the minute you walk away – get involved in something – not only has the water boiled, but it’s evaporated.  Those thirty days felt like forever as we waited to hear the prognosis on my dad’s future.  Yet these three months have slipped by.

The seconds tick s-l-o-w-l-y by as you put your whole focus on something, but as soon as you shift that focus onto something else, the seconds quickly become hours and days.

Life gets so busy, that we barely take time for each other, even the most important people.  I spent more time in the hospital with my dad in his last thirty days than I have in the last few years.  Had God not allowed dad to get sick and forced him (and us) to slow down and wait patiently, we would have missed so much irreplaceable time with him.

Upside Down

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Mondays always seem to be a tough day in our home.  Unfortunately yesterday felt like my whole world had been turned completely upside down.  Not necessarily over one big incident, yet everything seemed to be falling apart. A chicken with its head cut off – have you ever heard someone use that expression? It is crazy to watch!  The chicken keeps running around frantically, even after it has lost its head.  Its world – its life really – has just abruptly crashed down with one quick hack to the neck. Well, that picture seemed to describe my day yesterday. Not the losing its neck part, but the running around frantically, and perhaps the crashing down part.

Parenting is no joke!  But there’s nothing like a marriage, grief, or spiritual struggle, to make it even more difficult. The inner turmoil, hurt, feeling alone, confusion, worry; it left my head spinning. I was unsure of which way to turn or what to do – like a chicken with its head cut off.  Had God even heard my desperate and constant prayers?

The high-pitched screaming coming from my three-and-a-half-year-old was more than I could handle.  It pierced through my very soul and broke down any virtuousness left in me. As if his constant shrieking wasn’t enough, I was exhausted from having to play referee one more time to three little ones. And a weekend of little to no naps leaves a toddler a bit sulky. I’m not always quite sure the best way to handle these situations and I began to question my actions as a mother, and as a wife. My eyes were clouded with tears.  My voice was quivering.  It’s all too much.  Everything was just too much.  I was a disastrous mess inside.

As one child screamed upstairs in his room I collapsed on the floor into a ball of emotions.  God, where are You? Can’t you see I’m drowning here? I cannot do this on my own; I need You!  Please send someone or something to encourage me. Let me know You’re still here with me. Continue reading “Upside Down” →

I Choose God.

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Meltdowns, scream fests, arguing, fighting, frustration, anger, crying. Unfortunately, not all of these describe the behaviors of my three little boys. I have to take responsibility for some of them. It’s even quite possible that I experienced each one of these this week.

If there was ever a time in my life when I felt I must have fulfilled my earthly duty, it was yesterday. Heaven looked even more appealing to me than before. I had reached rock bottom. I had become more of a hindrance to those in my family than a help. I was a complete failure. There was nothing more I could offer and nothing positive in my life.

I would love to say, “…and then I woke up.” Unfortunately, it was not a dream. I was in the pit of selfishness and ungratefulness. How in the world did I get here? Continue reading “I Choose God.” →

The Truth Of Grief

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This was the hardest thing I have ever written.  Not only is it difficult to describe how one feels, but most of all to be so open and transparent with your deepest thoughts and feelings; to bear your very soul and expose it to the picking and prodding of judgmental eyes; to invite another into the most intimate and vulnerable place of your being. But, just maybe, sharing my story will help someone else in their journey of healing.

For those who do not know, two months ago today (April 20th) I lost my dad to a short-lived and very aggressive terminal illness.  Cancer.  I almost can’t say the word.  He only lived thirty days – all spent in the hospital – from the day he went into the emergency room until the day of his death.  He was diagnosed only three weeks before he died, with AML or Acute Myeloid Leukemia.  The night before he died we learned he had acquired the most aggressive and least treatable type of AML. Continue reading “The Truth Of Grief” →

The Crashing Waves

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“My storms were reeling me for a minute.  As crazy as it felt and as out of control as it felt, all my feelings kept slamming into something solid in me that wouldn’t move.  And that’s my roots and my faith and what I knew.”

“And there’s a time when fear has to face the God you know.”

“There’s a difference between what you feel and Who you know.  In those moments I had to really pull away from what I was feeling and remember Who I knew.”

The above are quotes from Mark Hall, the lead singer of Casting Crowns, during an interview with Wally on WAY-FM. He was speaking on his recent diagnosis of kidney cancer.

As I listened to this interview an image came to my mind. Continue reading “The Crashing Waves” →

His Life Meant More

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“He’s in a better place,” they always say.
Even though it’s true, the pain doesn’t go away.

A daddy is the first man a girl sees–
The first man she wants to please.

She wants to ride on his back–
Like a backpack.
She wants to hold his hand
‘Cause no other will compare in the land.

Yet one moment she’s his girl,
And the next, she’s ask a question with a diamond or a pearl.

She races off to start her new life,
To try to make her dad proud with this new role called “wife”.

But part of her heart still lies,
With the man who saw her first with his own eyes;
The one who watched her grow,
From a babe to having her own children to show.

But if there’s one thing for sure,
It was that his life meant more.

It was more than hugs and kisses
From a girl whose daddy she misses.
It was a life of giving;
‘Cause for Christ he was living.
It was not treasures in this land
But the ones to which most think bland.

See, it’s all about showing God’s grace–
And His love–to this whole race.

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Monday, Monday.

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I don’t normally do daily play-by-plays, but this one was just not typical.

Enter Monday morning.  Elias had therapy at 8:30am so I decided to be spontaneous and take advantage of the opportunity that all three boys were dressed and ready to go somewhere early in the morning.

Where should we go?

I wanted something the boys would enjoy and also that would be free.  Yeah, maybe that’s asking too much.

I decided to drive an hour to Gettysburg to the Boyd’s Bear Factory – that closed eight years ago. Yes, it might have helped a great deal if supertastic Google would have made me aware of it prior to my two-hour-round-trip drive!

GPS told me I had arrived at my destination, but as I looked around at the trees and fields, I was guessing it got the memo of the Factory’s closing before Google did!  And if that wasn’t enough to make me question it, the rope across the entrance confirmed.

Since there were no bears to behold we decided to stop to get a quick bite to eat and, of course, use the restroom.  The boys’ choice? Burger King.  We pulled in, I unbuckled each child, pulled the stroller out of the back, strapped the little one in and started walking in.  A kind – no, not really kind – lady yelled, “Excuse me, but the lobby is not open!”  There was not a sign. Nothing.  So I took the little one back out, undid the stroller, threw it in the back, buckled each child (actually I forgot to buckle Elias! Oops!) in their seats and decided to go across the street to Wendy’s.  The same super-easy routine of unbuckling each child, pulling the stroller out…blah, blah… We walked up and stood behind a man already ordering.  The attendant tells him, “We have no fries.”  I burst out laughing.  You have got to be kidding me!  We walked out.  I buckled each child in (don’t worry they were all safely buckled this time!), shoved the stroller in the back of the van and drove away.

A few miles down the road I saw another Wendy’s.  We stopped, and did eat this time.  Besides being out of “our” drink, and small chit chat about my three young, close-together boys, that stop seemed to be uneventful.

Next stop…Walmart.  Elias was behaving badly, so after one warning to correct his behavior, we left.  Without a purchase.  Without even a browse.

I’m steaming in my head. God’s convicting.  You all know that mental process. You’ve been there. Continue reading “Monday, Monday.” →

The Most Transparent I Can Be

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I write this with a heavy heart. I am stripping down all the walls I so carefully built up around me. The ones that make it seem as if I have the right perspective. The walls that seem so neatly and humbly built. This is the most transparent I can be – that I have ever been. This is extremely hard to write. I am greatly troubled by this struggle! My struggle is one simple word, yet tremendously destructive, called pride. Right now, the sermon series at our church is on the seven deadly sins, pride being the first. I was not made aware of my pride because of the series. But, it called out my name. It stepped on my toes. It’s brought me here, to this point, to write this blog – to face the truth of my struggle. To share it, not boastfully, but that another may be able to relate and be encouraged by it. Besides, there is freedom in admitting the truth. There is a vulnerability in being so open, as if searing into the deepness and secret of the heart, yet it can bring healing and accountability too.

My youngest son, just eight months old, is facing physical challenges. There is something abnormal about his movements. Because there is something amiss, I worry about his future. I worry about what he could encounter as he develops into adulthood. Could this be a developmental hiccup? Absolutely – it’s possible! Could this be the beginning of a life-long challenging road? Yes. I want to be very clear: It is not my desire or joy to see my son face potential life-long challenges and trials! So, the following has nothing to do with that. Continue reading “The Most Transparent I Can Be” →

Lighten up!

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Lighten up. I have heard others tell me this in the past, normally in a condemning way – referring to an attitude check. For the sake of this blog though I am going to use it in the non-condemning way; to lighten up and enjoy life.

I am very particular and choosy with certain activities my boys do. If it might potentially ruin or destroy anything I am very reluctant. In fact, I might not even allow it. You may find this shocking or ridiculous, but I honestly struggle with it. I don’t like messes and I especially don’t like things being broken or destroyed. You just told me to lighten up, didn’t you? *smile*

Well, I ruined some things this past week! And it was me, not even the boys.

I was dying my hair and didn’t realize until later that night that I had dropped some dye on our semi-new bathroom rug. If you have ever dyed your hair then you know hair dye is permanent! There is no soak-it-and-hope-it-comes-out. Now there is a permanent dark purple stain on my pale gray rug!

Later the same day, I was making a gift for a friend. After I glued the item I laid it on the dining room table. A half hour later I picked it up. I thought the glue had dried before I laid it down – well, it didn’t – so when I lifted it up it peeled a layer of wood stain off our new, and perfect table!

And it is almost a daily occurrence now that the boys bring me a bent or broken toy or a ripped book. Some claim it’s a “boy thing.” I agree to a certain point, but I still believe it’s necessary to teach them to respect their toys, or belongings. It is a daily reminder for my boys.

I strive to keep my belongings clean and neat, and new if they started out that way. I was raised this way – to take special care of my belongings. It will last longer is my rationality. It is extremely tough for me not to be disappointed in my failure to maintain this rationality; and when my boys fail to meet my expectations as well.

Here comes the lighten up part. Continue reading “Lighten up!” →

“They are so well-behaved.”

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We recently purchased a minivan from a family member. Let me start by saying…WOW! I did not know what I was missing. I told this family member, “feels like I’m driving a house around!” This was in no way a critical comment. Once you get three carseats in the back seat of a car and a stroller (and maybe some groceries) in the trunk, there isn’t much room available. In the van, I had fun choosing where to put my purchases and bags. Yes, I know, it’s the small things! *smile*

It is no small task taking three small boys, ages three and under, anywhere by myself, not without some incident or struggle. No big mishaps happened, thank the LORD! Their disobedience was the biggest struggle.

I decided to treat the boys to Wendy’s for lunch. They love Wendy’s. I think they could eat chicken nuggets every day, especially my oldest. Even though I now drive a house around <insert giggle> I decided to take them inside to eat, instead of ordering at the drive thru window. Frustration at their misbehaving was almost causing me to use the phrase: I’ve had it up to here! They were warned a few times that we would leave. In fact the attendant ask me if I wanted a to-go bag. Ha! I ushered them over to a table while they prepared our food. My two-and-a-half year old made a bee line for the drink machine. He hit some button at the bottom (of course I didn’t figure this out until later), because I stood there for a few minutes trying to figure out why it wasn’t working. Already frustrated by the morning of misbehaving, I was griping to the machine. It must’ve been quite amusing to the onlooker.

Successfully filling the drink, I made my way over to the table of little monkeys. Yup, monkeys. They looked as if they were born in the woods. All they needed was a tree limb and some bananas, because they were already climbing all over the chairs. Out of control. That was exactly how I felt they were, and I was.

In the last week my oldest who’s three has been volunteering to pray before all our meals. So brave and so sweet. He asked to pray before eating in this public restaurant. His sweet, gentle voice broke the quiet conversations around us, “Thank you Jesus for the food. Amen.” It’s a simple prayer, but I am so proud of him.

Throwing food at my boys always calms them down. They are too busy shoving food in their mouths to think about misbehaving, not that it’s impossible. A sweet older woman kindly interjects into our world. She comments on their blue eyes and blonde hair. “Heartbreakers” she called them. Then she added those encouraging words that any mother wants to hear and needs to hear – because we think we’ve failed miserably – “they are so well-behaved.” Did she see them?  My kids? Ha! I still do not totally agree, but it gave me a small bit of confidence for my motherhood.